Timmery Clark

Fresh Life

2011-01-16T12:33:00.000-08:00

   Sometimes an event happens and it opens your eyes to possibility and sparks your thought-life into bloom. Yesterday morning I walked into my living room and found that my after-Christmas splurge was transformed.
   I'm from Missouri and I miss the bulb flowers that come out at the first hints of spring. They have such glorious colors, and some have breathtaking fragrance. A few days after Christmas I found paperwhite bulbs on sale (50% off!), and brought them home. At first I felt guilty: I could've saved those few dollars for something else, something practical. But I didn't.
   I planted them and I think they started growing from day one. I would sing to them, and talk to them, and they would grow an inch overnight (I checked with my ruler to make sure!). Earlier this week their little buds got fatter and fatter, and whiter and bumpier. And then...
   Voila! Fragrant paperwhite blossoms in my living room; sweet little clusters of joy heralding the arrival of spring in our household!

   I was enchanted with the whole process, and it caught my imagination with its symbolism. I watched those little buds from the moment they popped their small green heads from the dirt. I watched as they plumped up and grew taller. I watched as I could start to see the clusters mature inside their green cocoon, becoming knobby and brimming with life. Inside that tight little bud the flowers were growing. Their world was dark, but they knew they were meant to live beyond the bud, to burst with life from their prison. The resistance of the green bud encouraged them to become strong and perseverant, intent on escaping the dark. They knew what they were intended to be, and they pursued it. They overcame.

   Does that remind you of anything?
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.  If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. James 1:2-5

Proactive or Reactive?

2011-01-12T13:50:00.000-08:00

No this isn't one of those comments about face wash!
One of the things I've been mulling over is the importance of being proactive in my thought life. I know myself pretty well, having 30ish years of experience with myself. I can you that I have, on PLENTY of occasions, been reactive with my thoughts. What does that mean? Here's an example:
I wake up, feeling tired and kind of "gray". Nothing bad, but nothing good either. A thought comes to mind, and there's just a hint of something in the content that makes me feel insecure. I start to doubt myself, start to mosey into the land of "I'm not really valuable." And bam. My day goes south, I'm sad, and I'm probably going to cry. A lot.
I do this with my identity, my worth, my skill set, my relationships, my health, and on and on it goes.
This is not the way I want to live, nor do I think God created me to be defeated.
Now, I would never really mentally tell myself "I sure am defeated in this area", and yet my life is lived out that way. Bingo! The way we live often tells a true story of our beliefs.
Bouncing back from defeat is hard. And so the brilliant thought hits me: why don't I head it off before I get to that point?
Eh?
Yes!
Rather than being reactive in taking my thoughts captive and reminding myself of God's truths, I can take the initiative to do those things BEFORE I get defeated.
Rough patches will come, I am sure of it. Yet it does not need to dominate my thinking. I am a child of God. I have been chosen at a high price and redeemed. God has designed me with skills and empowered me with His Spirit. I am made to worship Him with my ENTIRE LIFE.
I can choose to live like it ahead of time. I don't want to wait until I NEED to remember this to bring it to the top of my mind. I want to wake up and live each moment knowing that I'm God's and I'm living for Him, and what He says--even about me--is true!
What about you?

What are you doing this year?

2011-01-10T08:49:00.000-08:00

Yes, its a new year and we're a week into it already! Last week the big hype I saw most places was regarding resolutions and goals. Now that about 10 days have passed, can you still remember the goals you might have made? Or has life just sort of...happened...and the goals you made have faded from mind? Were the items you listed of meaning and value to you, or were they just something that sounded good but you have no personal passion about truly following through with them?
Here's a little somethin' somethin' I've been thinking about: top of mind positioning.
What?
Yes.
This is a term I've heard with gaining exposure by making at least 3 points of contact. But as I think it over, I think the concept applies to goals, dreams, and resolutions. If you sincerely want to see that goal come to fruition you must be intentional about nurturing it. It must be given thought daily so that it does not get lost in daily life and go dormant.
So if you're goals are valuable to you, what are you doing to ensure they are acted upon each and every day? Don't settle. Don't grow apathetic. Don't let life pass you by--you are in the driver's seat! Where will you take this year?

Been A While!

2010-12-29T09:26:00.000-08:00

I know I've been absent for a goodly chunk of time recently, but very soon I'll have more content up and running. Plan on stopping here in the days ahead!
Happy New Year!
-Timmery

Psalm 40

2010-07-31T21:39:00.000-07:00

Psalm 40 (The Message)

A David Psalm

^1-3 I waited and waited and waited for God. At last he looked; finally he listened.
   He lifted me out of the ditch,
      pulled me from deep mud.
   He stood me up on a solid rock
      to make sure I wouldn't slip.
   He taught me how to sing the latest God-song,
      a praise-song to our God.
   More and more people are seeing this:
      they enter the mystery,
      abandoning themselves to God.

^4-5 Blessed are you who give yourselves over to God,
      turn your backs on the world's "sure thing,"
      ignore what the world worships;
   The world's a huge stockpile
      of God-wonders and God-thoughts.
   Nothing and no one
      comes close to you!
   I start talking about you, telling what I know,
      and quickly run out of words.
   Neither numbers nor words
      account for you.

⁶ Doing something for you, bringing something to you—
      that's not what you're after.
   Being religious, acting pious—
      that's not what you're asking for.
   You've opened my ears
      so I can listen.

^7-8 So I answered, "I'm coming.
      I read in your letter what you wrote about me,
   And I'm coming to the party
      you're throwing for me."
   That's when God's Word entered my life,
      became part of my very being.

^9-10 I've preached you to the whole congregation,
      I've kept back nothing, God—you know that.
   I didn't keep the news of your ways
      a secret, didn't keep it to myself.
   I told it all, how dependable you are, how thorough.
      I didn't hold back pieces of love and truth
   For myself alone. I told it all,
      let the congregation know the whole story.

^11-12 Now God, don't hold out on me,
      don't hold back your passion.
   Your love and truth
      are all that keeps me together.
   When troubles ganged up on me,
      a mob of sins past counting,
   I was so swamped by guilt
      I couldn't see my way clear.
   More guilt in my heart than hair on my head,
      so heavy the guilt that my heart gave out.

^13-15 Soften up, God, and intervene;
      hurry and get me some help,
   So those who are trying to kidnap my soul
      will be embarrassed and lose face,
   So anyone who gets a kick out of making me miserable
      will be heckled and disgraced,
   So those who pray for my ruin
      will be booed and jeered without mercy.

^16-17 But all who are hunting for you—
      oh, let them sing and be happy.
   Let those who know what you're all about
      tell the world you're great and not quitting.
   And me? I'm a mess. I'm nothing and have nothing:
      make something of me.
   You can do it; you've got what it takes—
      but God, don't put it off.

Master of Pastoral Care and Counseling

2010-05-30T10:15:00.000-07:00

Baccalaureate and Hooding Ceremony on Thursday with Jennifer and Ting. We made it!

Recent Musings

2010-03-26T16:31:00.000-07:00

*Taken from an email conversation I had earlier this week...sorry for the recycle!

I was talking with a professor this week, and some of my Talbot community peeps in recent weeks. It seems as though I hear God asking me to open my eyes to the things in my life. The messages, the classes, the things I learn in and out of the classroom.

I had one professor share that roughly 1 % of the world’s population gets a college education. Following that logic, I’m gonna guess that even fewer than that get the opportunity to attend a higher level of learning than that.

Which means I’m pretty blessed. More than I even know. More than I’ve really realized. Which starts to sound an awful lot like me being given talents, but not just yet utilizing them to the best of my ability. In some ways, that’s okay—I’m still learning and growing. But that poses the question: What will I do from today forward? How can I be faithful with all this information, knowledge, wisdom and so much more that I get blessed with? Will I handle it appropriately? Will I blow off stuff in order to “have fun” because I’m young and single? Or will I be dedicated to absorbing these blessings responsibly and faithfully so I can turn around someday and use them to impact someone’s life as God gives me opportunity? The more I think of handling my blessings responsibly the more in awe I am of God and what He gives. Am I a good steward of what I’m learning? In some way, I hear God asking me if I will handle correctly what he gives me now. Will I be a good steward with what I’m given at this place in my life? Will I make the changes that He asks of me, even though it means disrupting patterns and relationships and boundaries? Make no mistake, action is required. Will I have the courage to respond appropriately? How can he trust me with more if I cannot faithfully act on what he gives me now? So hard. So good. All that to say that sometimes being faithful hurts.

I change. I grow.

I’m not who I used to be.

And there are times I’m acutely aware of that even from one day to the following.

Hopefully we’re all on that transformation ride. Hopefully we are all being faithful to what God teaches us and shows us, even when it stings a little, or even when it hurts a whole heck of a lot. There is a part of me that thinks, “Yeah God, I want to do things your way. I want to serve you. Even when it hurts. Help me be faithful to use what you put in my hands and life.” That is hard for me because I’m aware that there is cost involved. In saying “yes” to God, I say “no” to something else. And maybe it wasn’t even a bad something else (and sometimes it was a horrendous something else) but there it is: Will I serve God today or will I not?

“Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called.” 1 Tim 6:12

“ I sought the LORD and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.” Psalm 34:4-5

Blessed

2010-02-15T12:39:00.000-08:00

I know its been a while, blogland... And I don't even have a good excuse since I've had all sorts of goodies come across my mind and heart I could have been sharing.
   One of the things I wanted to take time and share has to do with God speaking into my life with such sweetness. Even as I'm aware of my flaws, and shortcomings, and worries, and the things that weigh on my heart (the ones that keep me awake at night-do you have those too?), even with all those things God has brought His goodness into my life. Or is it I've gained a better vision to see Him at work? Far too much of the time I'm embarrassed to say that I allow my focus to not include God. And when I do put God in the picture, its far more of an intellectual statement that runs along the lines of: "God has been faithful in the past, He has not changed and He is going to take care of me." Yes and yes! Nothing wrong with recognizing God's character in my life. But then again, that statement right there has allowed me too much control. It is a reliance upon fact and lessens my relationship with God. I know God desires me to come to Him, to share with Him rather than comfort myself solely on "fact" (even when it is Truth). So I'm in a learning process, my friends. I'm learning to dialogue more and more with God. And (this is challenging!) I'm learning to listen for His response.
   As I've been learning to soak in God's Presence and be engaged in our relationship, I marvel at the ways He shows His sweetness.
   Just last night as I was driving in the dark I came upon a delightful experience. It was Valentine's Day evening, and right in front of me I watched a shop owner step out of his restaurant with two huge balloon arrangements. He stood in the middle of my lane, and I came to a stop in front of him to watch this display. Lit by streetlights and shop windows, I watched this man release about 4 dozen balloons into the night. There was something almost fairytale-like about the scene. The whimsy of releasing these balloons, that brief moment as their forms bobbed and danced away, the warmth of the lights spilling onto the street. And then poof, the moment was over.
   This morning I was sitting in our student lounge when two of our *ahem* mature students came in with a guitar case between them. These gray-haired men were like two children in their delight over this guitar (which was apparently a good one). I listened as they began to play, and even I could recognize the sweetness of the sound.
   There are these achingly sweet and amazing moments in my life that God allows me to experience. In all my processing of thoughts, ideas, emotions, concerns, and fears I am amazingly blessed to catch glimpses of delight and joy!

O Holy Night

2009-12-12T10:29:00.000-08:00

Christmas is coming up quick-like-a-bunny! It is hard to think that in 13 days the day on the calendar will have arrived. I think most of us would agree that Christmas is far more than a day, its a season, maybe a mindset, it could even be a way of life.

In the hectic activity of being a commuting grad student, going to work, processing the "stuff" in my life, and just doing daily life things it seems as though I have somehow been missing Christmas. This past week I was able to slow down a little when we read over the lyrics of a Christmas carol in class. The busy side of me was able to become still as we slowly absorbed the words and content of "O Holy Night."

O Holy Night! The stars are brightly shining,

It is the night of the dear Saviour's birth.

Long lay the world in sin and error pining.

Till He appeared and the Spirit felt its worth.

A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices,

For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.

Fall on your knees! Oh, hear the angel voices!

O night divine, the night when Christ was born;

O night, O Holy Night , O night divine!

Led by the light of faith serenely beaming,

With glowing hearts by His cradle we stand.

O'er the world a star is sweetly gleaming,

Now come the wisemen from out of the Orient land.

The King of kings lay thus lowly manger;

In all our trials born to be our friends.

He knows our need, our weakness is no stranger,

Behold your King! Before him lowly bend!

Truly He taught us to love one another,

His law is love and His gospel is peace.

Chains he shall break, for the slave is our brother.

And in his name all oppression shall cease.

Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we,

With all our hearts we praise His holy name.

Christ is the Lord! Then ever, ever praise we,

His power and glory ever more proclaim!

I hope you read this song through (sometimes I tend to skip over lyrics rather than read them fully). Take a moment to think about this. Here is a message of Jesus. Why He came. The love He has for us. The need we have for Him and the ways He meets us where we are.

In class we took time to look at a few of the themes we picked up in this song.

Did you catch that Jesus has come to free us from bondage? Each one of us is broken and imperfect. A lot of us strive so hard to put on our masks of "okayness" and we present an image of having it all together-which I think stems from our strong desire to actually have our life together. Who does? Really? We can be a heartbroken people with lives of struggle and pain and no one is immune. The unhealthy patterns, the ways we cope, the sin struggles...all that holds us in slavery is exactly what God can overcome in our life.

What else?

One person in class mentioned the stars in the lyrics. She said that if you looked at that as a personification we are stars. As we are people devoted to God and being transformed by Him we are able to shine more brightly for Him. How has your redemption allowed you to celebrate Jesus? Are you shining for Him?

One thing that I absolutely loved was the recognition of our worth. Read slowly:

Long lay the world in sin and error pining. Till He appeared and the Spirit felt its worth.

Long lay the world in sin and error pining... Is that you? Screwing up, feeling pain, second-guessing your choices? Yes, we are a broken people yearning for a Savior. And then we read that he appeared and we are given worth, we are given His Spirit. His Presence in us gives us full value.

You may be relishing this season with its joy and traditions and merriment. You may be dreading the expectations and lack of a "postcard perfect" family and time of celebration. But isn't Christmas far more than either of those? Christmas is a celebration of our Savior arriving on the scene, to set us free and give us worth. Hold on to that, and like the shepherds, hear the message:

"Fear not, for behold, I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord." Luke 2:10-11

One more thing... Read this keeping Jesus in mind:

The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor.He has sent me to bind up the broken hearted, to proclaim freedom for he captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD’S favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor. Isaiah 61:1-3

Rejoice...a Savior has been born for you...

So Much To Learn

2009-11-17T19:48:00.000-08:00

One thing that I think about is how much I learn. Even as I read about and think about how to live by faith, how to trust God, I get the opportunity to prove it over and over again.

The very things I find myself telling people are the very things I have to tell myself. Tonight, with various cares about current circumstance, and with things to come, I am telling myself this:
I can learn to shut the mouth of the lion.
I can either listen to the lies, the accusations, the fears, and the defeat of the enemy. Or I can listen to truth, to hope, to the faithful words of a God that loves me perfectly and dearly.

Last week in Theology the professor made the statement that all sin answers the question "Is God Enough?" with a "no." Tonight I am reminded of that as I feel the anxiety of what will happen in my future circles my mind. I can tell you that in asking that question tonight it keeps me from being productive, it keeps me from resting securely in the knowledge that God has a plan for me and that he is faithful to bring it about. The thoughts and worries keep me from answering assuredly "Yes, God IS enough." And when I look at that, I see so clearly the danger of not taking my thoughts captive.

Right now I get the opportunity to put things into practice I hear about and study. I will choose this day whom I will serve. Today I choose to say "yes" to God. Today I will let God work on my transformation by yielding to him. Today I am choosing faith in and with God and choosing to go "through" the journey. Where I am weak, he is strong.

In my abandoning myself to God, I learn to shut the mouth of that lion. I don't learn this out of my own ability, but through the truth that God gives me.
"Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith....And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm, and steadfast." 1 Peter 5:8-10

I Never Would Have Thought....

2009-11-12T22:45:00.000-08:00

This will have to be a shorty post since I'm crazy tired this evening. But even as exhausted as I am I wanted to pause for a brief moment to share something I've recently processed.

This is one of those hectic and overly busy seasons in my life... Some people are aware of that, and others are not. This week I've been thinking about how much I've got on my plate: school, work, church, homework, chaplaining at the hospital, meeting, planning, researching, studying....and on it goes. I don't think I really have "spare time" anymore. I may take some time, but in my saying "yes" to that moment I've literally had to say "no" to something else.

This is probably the first time in my life I've had this experience to this degree. I, my friends, am what you might call "Spread Too Thin." I go and I do and I think and I read and I process and I write and I work and I school and there's just not enough to go around. Earlier as I was realizing this, I was sad and frustrated because I could just see all these great things that I could do--if I had more time. I could see how much better that project would be--if I had more time. I wanted to talk to people in greater depth and length--but I didn't have time. And short of taking something off my plate I can't do these truly wonderful things that my heart would love to engage in (yes, I even enjoy those theo classes that whup me!).

And this week I made this realization: Always in my past one of the major lies Satan has had a heyday with in my life is that in order for me to "be enough" I had to be perfect. I had to achieve. I had to do. And I had to do well. Right now I cannot feasibly do much of anything "well." The beauty of this is that even now, when I cannot possibly do the things in my life to the degree I want to do, God is still right here with me. Loving me. Giving me grace. Teaching me to rely on His truth. Helping my faith grow. Right here in the middle of one-time-lie territory, I can see that my heart is catching up with my head when I hear God say "I love you right where you are at." Not where I want to be or where I think I should be, or even where my profs, friends, boss, acquaintances think I should be.

I can't do it all.
I'm not perfect.
And like never before I KNOW God loves me.
And I know God loves me despite my shortcomings.
A lie has been conquered...

Part of me wonders if this journey I'm on was created for this very reason. I could drop a class. Or I could stop sleeping. I could quit interacting with people. Instead, I've had to do the best I can with the resources I have. A message from my Bible study this week is that people set out to change their circumstances, God sets out to change us... My circumstances won't be changing for a while, but I can see very clearly this week how God has changed me.

I certainly don't think this way of living is something I would honor God with were I to live this way all the time. But as I said, its a season.

There's a small part of me that quietly whispers "you're disappointing that person. You're falling so short in your studies. You should be doing so much more in that ministry. You should be doing...more...." And someday soon I will. But even as I think about disappoint people I wonder if perhaps this is a season for their own growth journey. I am confident that where I fall short, God will provide. The whispers of lies and shame are drowned out by God's voice saying he loves me right here, right now.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." -Jesus
2 Corinthians 12:9

Pearls from Larry

2009-10-23T11:36:00.000-07:00

Chapter 15: BUT LIFE OUGHT TO WORK
I'm drowning
in my own lake of despair.
I'm choking,
my hands wrapped around my neck.
I'm dying.
Quickly my soul leaves, slowly my
body withers.
It isn't suicide,
I consider it homicide.
The world you created has led to my death.
-poem by Rachel Joy Scott, shot in the Columbine High School shootings

"We assume life is supposed to work in ways that make us feel the way we want to feel, the way we intuitively and irresistibly sense we were designed to feel.
We further assume that if there is a God, His job is to do what we cannot do to make life work as we want..."

COUNTING ON GOD
If you believe life is supposed to work well enough for people to feel good, you would have been alarmed by a struggle you could not explain. You might have encouraged her to trust in the God who loved her to make her dreams come true. If she couldn't respond to that encouragement, you might have referred her to counseling.
But suppose you were convinced of a very different understanding of life. Suppose you believe God is not committed to making our lives work well enough for us to feel good. What would you say then? Perhaps something like this:
"Rachel, your pain is legitimate. You've discovered the part of your soul that longs for what this world will never provide. Your integrity has burdened you with the severe mercy of realizing that nothing in this world provides true joy.
"You've come to a fork in the road. One path beckons you with the promise that life can work well, and God exists to see to it that things go well enough for you to feel pretty good.
"The other path, the narrow one that not many choose, invites you to live in a disappointing world where good dreams will shatter and you will sometimes feel empty and alone, sometimes so empty and alone that it will seem like death. But this path promises the eventual discovery of a consuming desire within you for God and, far better, the thrilling discovery of His consuming desire to be intimate with you.
"After many dark nights, you will taste the joy of that intimacy. You will not be able to describe it, but you will feel alive, hopeful, solid, even in the middle of continued anguish over hard circumstances.
"Abandon yourself to God. He will seem at times cruelly unresponsive, callously indifferent. You will be tempted to manage life on your own, to do whatever you can to feel better.
"But if you're quiet, you will hear both His voice and yours leading you to the narrow path."
In our deceived culture, we must grasp the truth of what God is now doing in our lives or we will miss the joy of Christianity. God is not cooperating with us to make life work so we can feel now all that He has created us to feel. But many people think He is. They think that's His job.
There are two problems with that view: One, better circumstances, whether winning the lottery or saving your marriage, can never produce the joy we were designed to experience. Only an intimate relationship with Perfect Love can provide that joy. Two, in this life, we can never feel what God intended us to feel, at least not in full measure. To be completely happy, we must experience perfect intimacy with Perfect Love and every "second-thing" blessing that Perfect Love can provide. In this life, we have neither. God will provide both, but not till heaven.

It's hard to hear, but it is important to know that God is not committed to supporting our ministries, to preventing our divorces, to preserving our health, to straightening out our kids, to providing a livable income, to ending famine, to protecting us from agonizing problems that generate in our souls an experience that feels like death.

We cannot count on God to arrange what happens in our lives in ways that will make us feel good.

We can count on God to patiently remove all the obstacles to our enjoyment of Him. He is committed to our joy, and we can depend on Him to give us enought of a taste of that joy and enough hope that the best is still ahead to keep us going in spite of how much pain continues to plague our hearts.

God's intense desire is to intimately relate with us. For His desire to be realized, He must remove the obstacle within us that, more than any other, stands in the way of intimacy with Him. That obstacle is this:

When we feel bad, when our internal experience as we live in this world is different from and less than what we know we were created to feel, we assume there is no higher value than to change that experience. We therefore devote our central energies to feeling better and to justifying whatever does the job.

The belief that there's no higher good than feeling better now, and the top priority urge to feel better now--these represent the single biggest obstacle to our enjoying God's Presence. The Bible calls it the flesh.

(Excerpt from Shattered Dreams by Larry Crabb, pages 142-144.)

Cricket.... Cricket...

2009-10-22T11:11:00.000-07:00

Hello to the three people that know I have a blog ;)
I haven't been writing recently, but I've been thinking. Processing away, my friends! Processing through some rough and tough stuff, the not so "happy" things, the where-am-I-with-God things... And while I've got many things I'm thinking, some of them I doubt I'll be posting.
In the meantime, here's a little taste of goodness that I hope you'll enjoy as I do:

It's in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are living for.... Let your love, God, shape my life with salvation, exactly as you promised. Ephesians 1:11+ Psalm 119:41 (The Message)

Scarves in the Land Of Comfort...

2009-09-16T12:05:00.000-07:00

Two weekends ago I stepped out of a store in the early evening. The sky was dark, the parking lot lights were glowing with that warm gold color, the air was crisp, and the temperature was chilly. As I walked to my car I found myself wishing I had a scarf (which should have been ridiculous considering the heat of the afternoon). Something to wrap around myself to bring me comfort so I could more fully enjoy the moment.
It was a delicious feeling.
I drove away dreaming a little about more navy blue nights with amber lights and feelings of coziness... Of snuggling on my couch with a bear, a blanket, a warm beverage, and a good book. I found myself fantasizing of the good things in life, things that I've experienced before and can fully expect to experience again. I don't ever want the painful experiences repeated, but the good ones... The ones that bring me satisfaction... The ones that bring me joy... Those are the ones I dream about. Those are the ones that slip into my head and I enjoy entertaining.
I wanted comfort. I was yearning for something that was not yet to be.
I got to thinking about that, and thinking about God ('cause that's sometimes just how I think, except when I'm thinking about camel and tiger farms and the creation of a memory foam trampoline (how would that work??!!?)).
I thought about my tendency to desire. I desire a lot of things: scarves and books, intimacy and good relationships, spiritual growth and a deeper walk with God.
I want. I want a lot.
Well, I say I want a lot-- but sometimes I wonder just how much I give up on my wants and desires and instead settle for the attainable. And so the true desires transition into something less vital, and more shallow. There are times I want the most trivial of things and end up being content with them rather than pursuing the deeper, richer, more meaningful things. Why would I do that?
I think it boils down to comfort. As I daydream and desire I find that quite a few of these things are enjoyable to me because of how good they feel. And I don't think there's anything wrong with that necessarily, but I asked myself this: why do I desire comfort so much?
Its soothing.
Its safe.
Its stable.
It allows me to find a place where I can be on my own and content with that.
It can allow me independence from God if I'm not doing it with him.
My challenge these past few weeks has been to bring my desires to God and examine their purposes and motivations. I've had to ask if some of those desires and yearnings for comfort brought me closer to Him, or if they were a subtle means of pulling away from Him.
There are times, my friends, where I'm seeking out comfort from things (and not God) because I'm afraid God won't be enough for me, that He isn't what I think I need in that moment. Ouch. What to do about that?

This week as I'm daydreaming I'm also thinking about this:
"No eye has seen,
      no ear has heard,
   no mind has conceived
   what God has prepared for those who love him"— but God has revealed it to us by his Spirit.
      The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God. 1 Corinthians 2:9-10
This week I'm leaning a little more on the Holy Spirit who knows what God has prepared. I get a little bit excited about this passage because I think of the promise it holds, the taste of goodness, a satisfaction of my soul--it provides some measure of comfort for me, an everlasting comfort that I can know because God reveals it to me through his Spirit that dwells inside me.
This week I'm pausing just a little bit more to listen to the Spirit and allowing that to infiltrate my desires... Not always easy, but doing anything with God is better than what I can do on my own! Now that's some comfort!

I've been out for a while...

2009-08-19T10:43:00.000-07:00

...Hello there... I know I've been neglecting my blog shamefully this summer, and if you're one of the three people that reads this blog and you've missed my ramblings-I'm sorry. It's been a wonderful, rich summer with lots of learning and growing. It's hard to realize that it's almost over! I go back to school next week for my final year, and for the first time that I can ever remember, I'm not excited about going back. I don't know fully what that is all about; I can guess; I know I have reasons...

This will have to be a short post to tide you over until the weekend. I'm in my office and I'm taking a 5 minute break from studying about grace. It's worth looking at again and again. Sometimes I tend to be intellectual and think about these things in my head, looking at all the angles, building up my knowledge. But that's barely touching the meaning of grace. Grace is something received and lived out. Since we tend to act on what we believe (not on what we know), I have to ask myself "do I live like a person receiving and giving grace? Do I act like a person that understands what grace is?" Because my actions, speech, thoughts, and relationships will show exactly whether or not I "understand" grace. A while back, maybe January (?) I posted a blog about making a sign that reads "extend deliberate grace." I hung that sign in my car where I saw it every single day. Now I know that there are worse drivers than me out there, but there's also better ones too. And the sign definitely reminds me to incorporate grace into my driving routine. But more than that, as I read it daily, I'm reminded to take grace beyond the sign and out of my car and to bring it to work, to the store, home. I need to bring it into my thoughts, into my relationships, into my interactions. I also need to extend some grace to myself. I'm not perfect. Understatement. And for those of you that experience my imperfection, I'm sorry, please be gracious when you encounter that. I too review my actions, thoughts, words, relationships and realize how far short I fall. How imperfect I am. How broken I am. How hurtful I can be. What I didn't do right, and what I need to do better in. I realize that I am lacking. And that hurts me. Its uncomfortable and unpleasant and undesirable and all sorts of other "un's".

The happy ending to that paragraph is that I've got a relationship with a God of grace-and that's something not many other religions can boast. As I think about how holy and mighty and amazing God is, and that he wants to have a relationship with me (who is falling short in the holy, mighty, and amazing categories) I know God is a God of grace. How else could he extend favor to me when I could never earn it out of my own virtue? And that right there is the point: I can't earn grace. God's favor is never earned, but it is freely given. Do I live like it? Do I receive it and give it? Sometimes I do better than others, but the wonder of living in God's grace is that he's going to walk with me and help me grow more fully in it. So with full sincerity I can wave my hands in the air and say "Thank you, Jesus!"

How about you?

*side note, those are a few of my favorite people up top... That's to show you what kind of shenanigans I get into in the summer. And if you haven't seen me for a few months, my hair is no longer red, but its back to being brunette again. :)

Last Final This Afternoon!

2009-06-05T07:48:00.000-07:00

My week of Grief Counseling & Grief Therapy is almost over! Last lecture this morning, and theeeeeeen...

Yes, it will be final-time! Something I should study for instead of updating my blog. And on that note-I'm off to review.

Summer...

Oh it feels good!

Summer School! Grief Counseling and Tears...

2009-06-02T09:05:00.000-07:00

I thought this excerpt about crying was interesting...

"There has been interesting speculation that tears may have potential healing value. Stress causes chemical imbalances in the body, and some researchers believe that tears remove toxic substances and help reestablish homeostasis. They hypothesize that the chemical content of tears caused by emotional stress is different from that of tears secreted as a function of eye irritation. Tests are being done to see what type of catecholamine (mood-altering chemicals produced by the brain) is present in tears of emotion (Frey, 1980). Tears do relieve emotional stress, but how they do this is still a question. Further research is needed on the deleterious effects, if any, of suppressed crying."

J. William Worden, Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy, Fourth Edition, page 30.

Summer?

2009-05-26T10:00:00.000-07:00

Where, oh where, has the sunshine gone? Brrrr.... I'm almost chilled!

Where is everyone?

2009-05-12T09:12:00.000-07:00

Here's the Talbot lounge in the last week of classes. Why am I the only one here?

This is my last week of classes (hooray!).

No, the last week of classes actually deserves a big hooray outside the parenthesis!

HOORAY!!!

I'm tired, I'm stressed, I don't sleep well, and I'm sure my eyes are strained (yes, I will put on my "reading glasses" when I'm at home...). But my big ole TO DO list got cut in half, and that feels good.

One of the things I've had to learn this semester was how to prioritize. This is something that should be common sense, after all we're taught how to do this since we were a toddler (if I have to go to the bathroom and watch Sesame Street at the same time, which do I do first?). This semester I took six classes, and I have to say it hasn't been easy. I also have the tendency to want to excel in class, to make the A, to soak it all in and then churn it all back out after I master it. This semester I've had to be okay with not doing that (at least not doing it as well as I've wanted to!). I've picked the top classes, the ones that matter the most to me, the ones that I'm strong in and will use most often post-graduation. Those have come first, and the others have landed where they will. Its been hard and humbling to not be able to "do it all." Its a good thing though. All too often I think we're pushed to master everything, to be good at all the projects that come our way. And I've been guilty of falling into that trap.

So as I'm closing out one more semester I find that I've not only put text book learning in my head, but have also tucked away those valuable life lessons that are a part of growing older. Learning how to live life is something I'm thanking God for, even when it isn't on my schedule!

Heel Clicks!

2009-04-18T11:13:00.001-07:00

This past week I've been on Spring Break-and its been glorious! The weather is finally turning toward summer and today we have a perfect blue sky and sunshine to turn us golden and thaw our toes. Aaaaaand along with summer weather comes-

Summer flowers! This is something that I've experienced in my childhood and love. I am so delighted to be living in a house with a woman who thinks this very same way. We have flowers in almost every room of the house, on the tables outside, in pots on the deck, and in the yard too! This afternoon will bring even more plants, after all, the poolside is looking a little blah next to the glamour of 10 hydrangeas on the deck nearby!

I'm a little giddy with all this beauty around me. Heel clicks all around!

Signs of Spring!

2009-04-07T19:50:00.000-07:00

Over the past two to three weeks I've notice this pair of ducks. The first time I saw them I figured they were en route with the rest of their pack (I forget what a group of ducks is called...). Then I saw them again. And again. As I've seen the two of them together I started to come up with names for them: Herbert and Mildred, Callum and Edie, Fred and Winifred, Antoine and Giselle. I haven't decided on anything that's stuck just yet, but I'll keep working on it. In the meantime, I'll keep on getting a chuckle every time I see them around campus, nibbling on the rosebushes, walking the sidewalk to Talbot, soaking up the sun rays on Sycamore Lawn, or hanging out near parking. The strangeness of seeing these little guys unexpectedly has become something of a treat that I'll enjoy as long as it lasts.

One More Reason...

2009-04-07T09:47:00.001-07:00

...to love Grad School. I'm allowed to bring my coffee with me inside the library.

Jealous?

If you're actually making money during your day instead of paying out, I wouldn't be terribly jealous. On the other hand...there are certain "perks" to be a student at times! (sorry, it made me chuckle...!)

What a Week

2009-03-31T09:12:00.001-07:00

This is me reading a book I want to cite in my big hairy paper due THURSDAY! Also this week will be a small paper due on Wednesday, possible presentation Wednesday (might get pushed to next Wednesday (please oh please sweet Jesus)), and a horribly hairy Theo IV test. There is of course regular class work that hasn't gone away either-gulp! I'll get to that maybe Friday morning, but there are plenty of goodies due next week too. Is this like mid-term time? It might be...

Please hurry, Easter Break. I want you.

Drum Roll Please!

2009-03-25T20:21:00.000-07:00

Okay everyone, it is now Wednesday night. And from the above pictures, I'm sure you've guessed what's happened (if you've been following my blog...). Yes, that's right-it's "Open-Your-Small-Group-Care-Package-Night"!!!

My delightful box of goodies has kept me occupied for about the last 45 minutes. I've shaken things, tasted things, read things, laughed at things, and nearly teared up over it all. Leave it to my favorite Small Group Women, my very best friends, to make sure that I am cared for and feel loved. And beyond my Small Group, I know a couple other special people contributed to the box, so a special thanks goes to Rene, Jeremy, and BobCat too! (I find myself grateful Bob didn't feel the need to express his love with a mouse foot or hairball...)

I have a smile on face tonight-my Wednesday Night Blues are nowhere to be found. Stresses about classes, missing friends and "home", worrying about papers and tests, exhaustion from being in the same classroom for over six hours straight... None of those are with me tonight, but instead I have the encouraging words of those that love me to close out my day.

Thank you, my sweet, sweet friends. Thank you for standing by me, even when I'm busy. Thank you for listening to my woes and worries. Thank you for supporting me as I pursue career track number two. Thank you for encouraging me as I follow God's will. Thank you for your optimism. Most importantly, thank you for being the friends that I can tuck in my heart and love as myself. You four are precious to me, and I treasure you dearly.

Self Injury

2009-03-25T15:07:00.000-07:00

I have a class where I am doing a paper, a presentation, and developing a short teaching series on the topic of Self Injury. I'm just doing a little informal research and have a couple polls on the right hand side-please vote.

I am also interested in hearing any stories you may wish to share. I would like to hear about:

-Any relationship you've had with someone who self injures

If you Self Injure, or have in the past, please tell me:

-History of abuse, if any

-Any addictions concurrent to, prior to, or after Self Injury

-What your relationships looked like with your friends, family, God

-Any other disorders that were present (PTSD, Depression, Bi-Polar, Schizophrenia, Borderline Personality, etc)

-Age of onset and length of duration

-Did you dissociate?

-Were you suicidal or develop suicidal ideations?

-Description of how you felt immediately prior injuring, during the act, and afterward

-Was it methodical and planned, or spontaneous?

-Frequency of injuring

-What kept you coming back to Self Injury?

-How long has it been since you've last injured yourself?

-How often do you have the desire to harm yourself?

-What were some of the reasons you quit, if you have?

-What would you like people to know about Self Injury?

For people interested in responding, please don't let that list of questions scare you away-don't feel like you need to answer everyone of them or that they need to be long answers. Please make your comments post as anonymous if you answer any of the questions.

Thank you for your input!

Timmery

What's Going On Here?

2009-03-24T20:24:00.000-07:00

Sunday after church, in the process of loaning me her umbrella, Sarah turned to me and said:

"So I have a package for you. You going to be around tomorrow? Around lunch time?"

Package?! For me?! My first response was "is it like an Easter thing, or...?" She said it wasn't, but didn't fill in any of my blanks.

So I made myself available around noon Monday afternoon and Sarah called to ask if she could bring over the package. I have to say, it all seems a little mysterious to me, but a fun mysterious.

Sarah brought me the above package-a brown paper wrapped box with a red ribbon and a tag that is signed by Lissa, Nadia, Tiffany, and Sarah with the words "Because we love you!" written on it. How great is that?

Oh, it gets better. Sarah gave me the instructions that I was NOT to open it until Wednesday night. (I did, however, give it a good shake!) Apparently, a few weeks ago I mentioned how Wednesday nights are probably the hardest night of the week for me. I'm away from home, just sat through two days of classes (and Wednesday classes are a little wretched sometimes), and I tend to have Theology class worries, and homework seems impossible-basically I'm a mess. I call it "The Wednesday Night Blues." Leave it to my small group to remember this and send a care package with me this week!

I wonder what's in it?

Stay tuned-tomorrow night I can open it!

Gorgeous

2009-03-17T09:32:00.000-07:00

This morning as I was driving--no, it was before that. This morning as I was preparing for school I noticed that today was going to be one of those knock-out days.

I happen to have a lovely view where I live, and today as I looked over Escondido's hills it was amazing to see the delicate colors of the city before the sun came up. The hills are dusky purple, the plants are a tender green, and there was a hint of pale pink as the sun rose. I love the morning sun-there's no other light quite like it, not even the setting sun in the afternoon.

Surrounding our house are orange trees that are covered in blossoms. If the lovely sights around weren't enough to remind me of how great God is, being surrounded by the fragrance of those blossoms makes me pause and remember. I am handed the gift of a gorgeous day today.

Things can go wrong, difficulties are present, pain still hurts. But when I look at God's faithfulness, and the abundance of his blessings that give me mornings like this morning... That's pretty wonderful.

The old life is a grass life,

its beauty as short-lived as wildflowers;

Grass dries up, flowers droop,

God's Word goes on and on forever.

This is the Word that conceived the new life in you.

1 Peter 1:24-25 MSG

Dr Saucy Says...

2009-03-10T12:45:00.000-07:00

This is a picture of Dr. Robert Saucy, Distinguished Professor of Systematic Theology. I'm currently taking Theology IV from him, and really find him to be wise and thoughtful. I enjoy the class a great deal and find his lectures fabulous. The homework, on the other hand... *sigh*

The other day Papa Saucy (his son is also a Dr. who also teaches Theo IV, so I have to have a way of telling them apart in conversation, hence "Papa" Saucy) launched off on this short but golden nugget. He stated that our discouragements and negativity should be short-lived because as a Christian we ALWAYS have hope. There is something promised us that will be eternal and good beyond our imagination. Let me challenge you for a little bit: are you perpetually discouraged and/or often negative? Think about this-

"So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever."

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 MSG

I read that last night for Theo IV and thought about how right Papa Saucy is. He doesn't deny that there are hard things and issues we'd rather not experience and pain does in fact enter our life. But life is so much more than that. We have a hope and a promise that outweighs it all-even the best of our experiences. For that reason we can have a temperament of optimism and anticipation! Hooray!

I really wanted to take another picture of Dr. Saucy while he was lecturing in class, but I'd have to use my computer to do that and it's a little awkward... I'm brainstorming on a stealthy way to snap his picture. Look for it when it comes...

This past weekend in Mammoth!

2009-02-18T21:32:00.001-08:00

This past weekend I went on retreat with our post-college crew, "The Gathering." Honestly I can say that I hope there comes a time when I can go on retreat without being in school. The past three retreats I've attended have been during the semester, and as much as I enjoy the time "retreating," there is always the ever-lurking knowledge that I have a pile of work waiting for me that is as high as my eye-brows. That fact is still there even when I escape for a few hours. I have to admit that school is a pretty good stressor for me-after all the work is never really done, it just comes due. There are classes I tolerate, and classes I love. The intensity level is ramped up quite a bit-definitely moreso than I remember in undergrad. It becomes especially challenging to me to hear people downplay the work I had to do with "why don't you wait til later?" Believe me, I wish that could happen! And there will in fact come a time when I will not have these restrictions, and I'm so looking forward to it! So there is my bittersweet comment about retreating... If I had the chance to go back and rethink if I would go or not, I'd go. Even as I did homework in the morning it was great to put it aside at night and connect with people. Not to mention the scenery was lovely and breathtaking and an awesome display of God's handiwork.

Lest you think I have nothing but complaints about homework, I'll assure you the trip was a good thing. I got to spend the weekend with some of the dearest people to me-totally worth going on retreat! I also enjoyed meeting some new people and spending time getting to know them a little bit better. The result of spending time with these people is that I'd like to continue spending time with them. For the friends I've had for a while-I'm so glad you're in my life and know that I value you and treasure time spent with you and hope to continue that for decades. For the ones I just met, I enjoyed hearing bits and pieces about you and seeing part of what makes you tick. I'd like to continue down this path we've started.

And I'd like to play board games and card games after doing awesome devotionals every single night until I'm 42! And even though I'll still be in school for the potential Winter 2010 retreat, I'm going to tell you right now that I plan on rocking the 2011 retreats!

Night Time at Talbot

2009-02-06T20:45:00.001-08:00

Now that I've survived the first two weeks of school safe and sound I know a few of you are waiting for a new blog post. Might even have been expecting this one! Sit back and revel in story time...

This story starts a week and a half ago, no, further back. I have this school schedule this semester of attending classes Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. Technically I have a class on Monday too, but I only had to attend the first day of class and then just email in the assignments ('cause that's a lot of commute time for a 50 minute class...). My wonderful friend Christine told me that I could stay in La Mirada on Tuesday and Wednesday nights in their spare room for the entire semester. I was so happy I did a heel click when she told me that late last December.

Well, classes started a week and a half ago, so I packed my bags and early Monday morning made the trek up to school. Some of you have now started putting a few pieces together... No, I didn't have "official" reservations with anyone anywhere to sleep that night. I had a couple of emails out to folks, and there were a few others that I simply didn't want to bother knowing that they already had a lot on their plate. So, just in case I couldn't find anyone to put me up Monday night I was mentally prepared to camp out in the car. After all, I had all the goods with me for Tuesday and Wednesday night (pillow, blankets, teddy bear, toothebrush, deoderant...) I figured there was no harm. I'm resourceful. Sometimes you've just got to do what you have to do.

Monday night arrives and I realize I'm on my own for the evening. Around 9:45 I hop in my car, move it to the ideal, secluded spot in the lot and set up camp in the back seat. It took a little rearranging, but it was sort of comfortable. Except for the light shining from the parking lot lights. So just as I sat up to find a better position, or to move something to block the light, I saw a security car do a real slow drive by. I froze until they moseyed on and then snuggled back in. Five minutes later a large security SUV pulls up.

You know what I'm talking about. The huge ones with the spot light and the security logo and the reflective stickers and the officers in uniform that carry exceptionally large flashlights.

One of those.

And they were parked right in front of my car. I stayed down until the guy got out of the SUV and then I came to my senses and got out of my car.

Did I mention that I locked my car from the outside with my key and then hopped in pulling the door closed after me? It gets better. You see, when you lock your car that way, you need the key to unlock it or else the alarm goes off. So as I reach for the door handle to get out my alarm triggers and locks me back in. Oh joy. But I managed to get out and shove my key in the lock to stop the alarm. Meanwhile there's this officer at my right shoulder looking at me (in my socks-beige ones with little white rubber grippers on the bottom that are now black from the pavement.)

He asks me, "So, is that your alarm?"

"Yes."

"What's going on here?"

So I tell him I didn't have a place to spend the night that night so I was going to sleep in the car.

"Okay, we were just checking to make sure no one was stealing this car, Ma'am." (Ma'am? Oh yes, he did.)

I hand him my student ID and as he's doing his thing he asks me if my housing isn't set up yet. "Something like that. I'll have a place to stay starting tomorrow, Officer."

Thank goodness I'm a Grad student because I think the under 21 crowd would have gotten a different treatment than me, bless that sweet security guy's heart. After he calls in that I'm a grad student in x car with x student number, I asked him if it was okay that I was spending the night in my car on that lot. He said it was, buuuuut since I was a woman, he'd prefer that I move to a lot that was closer to the heart of campus rather than the one by the main road. He started to recommend a lot, but then came up with a better one. Mr. Officer asked me if I knew where Lot B was, which I did...its the one behind the bell tower...and other handy student services....

"Isn't that the lot next to Campus Security?"

"Yes. Yes it is. You should be all right there."

Now isn't that sweet? Not only was that officer considerate and kind, he did a nice job of trying to keep me safe. He remained oh-so polite as I started babbling about how embarrassed I was. He kept cool even with my annoying alarm going crazy. He never made any sort of face that indicated how crazy I might be, or how ridiculous he thought I might have been. He just took it all in stride.

Even the blackened beige socks.

Bless his heart!

Extend Deliberate Grace

2009-01-22T14:33:00.001-08:00

Here is a picture of my new sign for my sun visor. I like the idea of being reminded to give grace to others, after all, who couldn't use some grace? Sitting in my car is often the time when I get a lot of good thinking done, and one day it occurred to me that giving grace is a doable thing. When I'm driving I can choose to not react to the driver with road rage, to let the car waiting to merge go ahead of me, to allow the pedestrian trying to cross mosey on in a snail's pace without my irritation rising. Outside my car I can wait patiently in lines, to smile nicely at the little old ladies and gentlemen I see at Starbucks and Barnes & Noble, to simply be a real person instead of a self absorbed spoiled woman who thinks and cares only for herself.

Extend Deliberate Grace. The word deliberate was also something I included because I need it. I have a choice. I can be intentional with my actions and attitudes, and this is an excellent area to be deliberate in. There are times when I get wrapped up in thinking instead of being in the present. I have a choice to continue in that manner, or to not. So my little sign is a reminder to become someone who makes good choices.

On a side note, in the bottom picture my boys decided to "help" model the new sign! Bucky (Buckwheat) and Roosevelt looked so handsome in their new Springtime ribbons that I couldn't resist including them. Roosevelt would like everyone to know that although he REALLY wanted Bucky's blue ribbon, he went ahead and let Bucky have it. Isn't that sweet?! Bucky and Roosevelt are bears from Sootheze and are filled with buckwheat seed and lavendar; they can be heated in the microwave or cooled in the freezer to become hot/cold packs. I've had Bucky for about 9 years, and Roosevelt came along last November. So if you're in the market... You won't be disappointed!

Early Spring Hellos!

2009-01-21T20:12:00.001-08:00

Here they are! My Early Spring Hellos! The lighting was absolutely wretched this evening, but I was too impatient to wait until morning to take pictures, so this is what we have... I used a nice medley of golden oranges, creams, dark orange, and olive with pale yellow ribbon accents. This reminds me of tender little green shoots coming alive under the pale gold sun that is the hallmark of late Winter and early Spring. Late Spring has a little more color as blooms open and colors start intensifying... so this is the result! I tried a little embossing on a few of the cards. It was fun and something I look forward to perfecting down the road.

Happy end of January to you! Spring is coming soon!

Provision and Intimacy

2009-01-20T22:32:00.000-08:00

This is another one of my photo-less posts... sorry about that. Next time I'll write something and post a picture or two (I am making a new card series...! Teaser!). This post, however, is just going to be a little bit of a ramble about how God is working in my life right now.

Being a female seminarian I am aware that job opportunities may not come as readily to me as they might a male, just like my last degree. This degree is a little (lot) different though, this is something I that I pursue because I know God has called me to it. So I try not to worry about getting a job too often: like Pastor Dennis says "Where God guides, God provides."

So one afternoon about two weeks ago as I was getting a little down I checked my email and there was a little note from a friend about a possible opportunity for me. It had to do with mentoring and that was a fun lead. I hadn't been asking people, I hadn't been searching for anything (school keeps me hopping), but the thought comes to mind periodically and I never quite know the answer to the question: what will I do with this degree. And here was an idea dropped into my lap at a time when I needed some encouragement.

Last Friday a similar situation occurred. I randomly bumped into someone from church, and he happened to tell me that he and his wife were praying for me. There was a little more involved, but lets just say that again, it was as though God were laying a blessing in my arms. Both instances were complete surprises. But both instances were about issues that have been in my mind, important things. God knows me so intimately and provides for me so perfectly. Through these conversations I've had I have been so encouraged to know that God cares for me enough to address my worries ahead of time. It put a smile on my face-even if neither opportunity works out I still know I have a God that cares enough to give me hope. There are opportunities and people out there that show me just how specific and intimately God knows me and grows me.

More about these things will come later, as will a few stories about where God is taking me in my journey. Stories with pictures, that is!

What to do...

2009-01-09T16:09:00.000-08:00

...When one is on break?

Here's a starter list for anyone who may need help in this area. (If this is something you need help in, I think you may actually need a break very, very ASAP. Health reasons, of course...)

1. Sleep in

2. Read books for fun

3. Do something creative-something with color and texture and nice lines...

4. Catch up on that one tv show you can never quite catch because real life interferes

5. Try a new drink (since you're not in the rat race, you won't risk throwing your day off with a different routine...!)

6. SPEND TIME WITH THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE! This is probably the best one. The most important at least!

I don't know about you, but when things are full-swing, in session, full steam, sometimes I have to prioritize things. That means, simply, things get left out because there is only 24 hours to the day, seven days to the week. That real life thing means that I have to count my hours and minutes, and sometimes that means I just can't say yes to the invitations that come my way. Most of the time people are understanding, but when I'm on break I can say yes! I'd love to join you for coffee! Yes! I'd love to sit down and talk with you! Yes! We should play that game! Yes! We should laugh together, read together, play together, worship together, pray together.

I have time.

Springfield Missouri for a few more hours!

2008-12-31T09:18:00.001-08:00

Here I am in Springfield, checking my email at a restaurant called San Francisco Oven. In my opinion, nearly all restaurants should have wifi. Not all of them, but maybe the bulk of your lunch places. I say this mainly because I haven't had access to the Internet at my Mom's home, and I'm spoiled with my little laptop and playing with all the things online!

By the way, its New Year's Eve! Is everyone doing something special? Leave a note with your fun plans. Tonight the family and I are going to a Hemingway's with about 35 people from my old church here in Springfield. I hope it will be fun.

And, again, the New Year's thing. It's also a time for reflection about the year and there are those that will be making resolutions. There are the run-of-the-mill sorts of resolutions: taking better care of self, getting better organized, being more disciplined with finances, etc. But what about other types of things? Deeper things? Not that the above things aren't relevant, or even needed, I'm sure they are. I would also encourage you to reflect on other areas as well. How are your relationships going? Do you know, really know what your priorities are in life? Are you active in things that you are passionate about? Do you serve anyone? Participate in a ministry? Growing in the Fruit of the Spirit?

And most importantly, how was your relationship with God this year? Right now? Is that an area that could stand some work? Some commitment? Some intentionality? Discovering and delighting in God is a worthy priority. Today is the day that you can make a decision to grow in that relationship with God. Any day is actually, but why not today?

Christmas Eve in ... Denver?

2008-12-24T13:22:00.000-08:00

I am going to Missouri for Christmas. At least that was the plan! And I'm sure I'll get there eventually, but definitely not on time. Sad. So here I am in Denver, where the skies are blue, the sun is shining, and there's a lovely light dusting of snow on the ground. Conditions are beautiful here. So what exactly is the hold-up for boarding? I've heard a couple of rumors... At this point there's really no telling, all that's important is that one remains patient as we're all spending Christmas Eve in the airport. Gate B88 to be exact.... Blogger apparently isn't meshing well with the Denver wifi, and my pictures will have to be added later, but at least there's free wifi here! Patience and flexibility seem to be key today.

*Sigh*

On my return trip home I'll be flying on January 1st-what can I say? The holidays fell in the middle of the week this year-and we all know its much cheaper to fly mid-week than other days. I wonder what next Thursday will bring? For starters, a trip up to Chicago bright and early. At least, that's what I've been told. Air travel isn't an exact science these days... ;)

So, to everyone safely cozied up with loved ones this Christmas Eve, Merry Christmas!

Gingerbread Houses!

2008-12-23T22:37:00.001-08:00

This year I again made a gingerbread house! Okay, it's really made from graham crackers, but look how stinkin' cute this is! Like I may have mentioned a couple blogs back, this was a tradition my Aunt started with us nieces and nephews about 15 years ago. I've definitely skipped a few years, but this year, with my Aunt back in town (with 4 young boys in the house!), we were back in business!

I got a phone call Sunday afternoon that the boys had finished up and now it was safe for the adults to "play!" I was going for a Notre Dame look, but then my towers got Hershey Kiss Onion Domes, which lent more of an Orthodox feel... There was a cross originally that was supposed to go on the tippy top of the roof, but it got lost somewhere in transport... I iced up my pretzel rods, and drew a little icing star to cover the joints, and when it got "smushed" I had to burst out laughing as my little icing/pretzel cross took on a very, um, Catholic appearance-my Aunt saw it and laughed too.

By the time Sunday night was over there were about four or five happy little boys, one or two happy neighborhood girls, and my Aunt and myself! My Aunt made a little gingerbread train (engine + car), tucked all sorts of goodies in the car and loaded up a tray to take to the sick neighbors across the street.

Christmas.... There's really nothing like it, is there?

Thanks You's and Saying Hello!

2008-12-18T22:23:00.000-08:00

This has been the fruit of this afternoon's labor! This is the new "Thank You" and "I wanted to say hello" series.

I suspect they will come in handy pretty quickly!

Christmas Get-Together!

2008-12-18T21:36:00.004-08:00

Whee! Nothing like celebrating the holiday with a few of your closest friends!

Christmas Cards!!!

2008-12-17T12:07:00.000-08:00

Christmas cards! Whee!!! This year I was a little frazzled as I put everything together, and I had a couple moments of worry about the cards. Unlike years in the past where things have been a tad more organized and uniform, this year was almost a free-for-all. I did go out and choose papers, but I wasn't just smitten with any one thing in particular, so I have a bit of a hodge podge as far as warm and cool tones, classic rich colors and more "pop" colors.

But as I wrapped everything up yesterday I sat them all up together for a look over. Oh my goodness, this is one of the most fun things about card making. You look over your "set" and get to enjoy the thrill of having accomplished something, to get excited over how fun they all look together, to review how your processes and techniques have changed since the last batch, to get excited over something that has worked, or make a mental note about something that needs to be done differently next time. Secretly I love this moment. I love looking at all the variations of a common theme-each one unique but carrying some similar traits. I love the colors and textures and designs. I love seeing each one and hand picking which card goes to which person. There is something so personal and intimate about having poured a little bit of yourself into the creative process and getting to turn around and offer it to someone else.

So, as I prepare to send my little cards into the hands of those I care about, I am humbled again to offer up something so small and simple, yet unique and special. And as much as I love making the cards, I love knowing that cards are things, by their very nature, things to be shared. Different than scrapbooking, different from drawings, photos, or so many other creative mediums, cards have an ultimate purpose of being given away. To you!

Merry Christmas!

Holiday weather

2008-12-16T11:16:00.001-08:00

As most of you are pretty aware, yesterday was crazy rainy! I left my house at 5 and didn't arrive at school until 7. Coming home I left campus at 1:45 and made it back to my house at 4:00.

Wow. Four plus hours in the car-in crazy rain with crazy traffic-can definitely take it out of a person! I don't think I had 6 functioning brain cells by the time I got in the door. (Then again, maybe that was more due to the sleep deprivation+4:20 wake-up+FINALS---but the rain didn't help!).

Let me just tell you that I was drenched-completely! The photo doesn't really show it, but my sweater is soaked through, and well, everything else too. One of my classmates had on supercute rubber galoshes (she says "Costco!") and the rest of us were envious! Especially when she pulled them off to reveal her incredibly cozy and DRY house socks underneath-you know the ones: thick, padded, little bits of fur around the opening...

*sigh* It was good sleeping weather, so once I got in I pretty much crashed! I didn't nap (that just wreaks havoc on my nighttime sleep) but I posted some pictures on Facebook, took a warm bath, watched a Christmas movie, and ever so briefly looked at notes for the last final (tomorrow! Soooo soooooon!).

As I look out the window today I see beautiful blue skies, green foliage, and luminous white clouds. Kind of reminds me of the verse "Sorrow endures for the night but joy comes in the morning." Not that yesterday was sorrowful, but I do think that the weather can help us along in our thought life at times. Rainy, dark, chilly weather makes me want to cuddle up with warm drinks and read great books, or have good chats with friends (so long as we're still huddled under our respective blankets!), its a good time to "be". It's more of a contemplative time, as opposed to the beautiful sky days where I just want to feel alive and be active, like making cards while listening to music or a movie in the background, taking walks, breathing deep: today is a good "doing" type of day!

So, what are you doing with your time today?

Holiday Treats!!!!

2008-12-13T21:08:00.000-08:00

I headed over to my Aunt's house tonight to grab some videos. Of course, trips often evolve into a multi-faceted, multi-experiential encounter once I'm in the door.

Tonight's conversation heralded back to younger times and years long ago: the decorating of gingerbread houses! Some of my very favoritist memories are of having my Aunt be in town for the holidays and with her craftiness (and high tolerance for juvenile fun plus patience for messiness) we were all handed boxes of graham crackers, a foiled shoe box lid, icing, and tons of candy. We had fantastic creations: trains, Noah's ark, the White House, a Southern mansion, a modernist villa.... In our enthusiasm we went all out! I loved the time of creativity and the pure joy of laughing with cousins, planning and figuring out how to make dreams reality, being covered in sugar, engaging as a family.... Times of heartwarming connection that would only happen at Christmas for us with relatives located all over the states during the rest of the year.

And so, with four young boys in the house, my Aunt is planning a "gingerbread" house making night! We only talked about the date tonight, but quicker than you can say "Jiminy Cricket, Martha Stewart" we had out pretzel rods, were melting chocolate, and creating chocolate covered pretzels! My Aunt has seriously got talent in the resource department. Need pretzel rods? Check. Want white dipping chocolate? Oh look, its right here! A little chocolate drizzle? Let's get right on that. Peppermint flavored sprinkles in the shape of candy canes? Voila! (Are you kidding me?! No. I'm not. This is all fact. This really happened!) Our little project happened before I knew it, and about 15 minutes later--start to finish, seriously--I was out the door with my creations.

Here's to sweet holiday treats, Christmas traditions, and time spent with family!

Holiday tree?

2008-12-12T20:49:00.000-08:00

Well, they're not your typical Christmas trees, that's for sure! I saw this idea and thought it was a cute one. Of course the ones I saw were done by professionals and they looked a little more snazzy than my versions. In my mind I look at my four little trees and think they come out of a Dr. Seuss book, or maybe Charlie Brown...!

Even though the trees aren't lush, or decorated with beautiful ornaments I'm glad I put them up. They serve as a reminder for me that Christmas is indeed here. That these twigs that are lifeless in the winter bring forth new life in the Spring, and in the Summer show their beauty in maturity. Just as Christ in me grows me to newer and deeper spiritual maturity every season.

And it all starts with the Savior born in Bethlehem!

Holiday Lights!

2008-12-11T21:54:00.000-08:00

Oh yes, my friends! I am indeed on a Holiday kick! My street has lights on about 75% of the houses and boy is it fun! Some neighbors have done something simple. Some have gone more elaborate. I felt a tad sneaky as I walked up and down the street taking pictures. (Um, for those of you who understand the "situation".... Yes. My computer took the walk with me.) The house featured in the bottom photo was the best. I felt a little worried when the lady came out and asked me what I was doing...

Gulp!

But in true neighborhood fashion, she was encouraging. She asked if I was going to put the pictures online, and then told me to come back tomorrow because the BEST lights of the street just clicked off a few minutes earlier. Could I come back tomorrow to photograph those too?

Wow! I'm not so sure I would be so hospitable were I to see a random woman photographing houses in the dark... But then again, I'm a single, white, female and there are necessary safety precautions to take these days when one spies a stranger in black roaming the street... I digress...

But aren't the lights amazing?!

Even more amazing is our Savior, Jesus, the Light of the world...

Holiday...mess?

2008-12-09T17:41:00.001-08:00

No, its not a mess... Not much of one anyway! What this picture represents is the start of making my Christmas cards this year! Being a tad hectic and all this year, the scheme is...eclectic... Oh yes. As you can all view for yourself!

I think everything should turn out all nice and festive-I'll keep you posted on the outcome. For now, these are the papers, and my script says "I bring you good news of great joy; A Savior has been born to you, He is Christ the LORD."

Sure sounds like a good start to me!

Mmmm... Holiday Drinks!

2008-12-08T15:26:00.001-08:00

After visiting the cafe in the business building I am aware of just how fun holiday drinks are! Here's a sampling of the tasty drinks that tempt me on the menu:

-The Cindy Lou Who (eggnog + chai)

-Rudolph Reindeer (hot chocolate with cherry)

-Eggnog Lattes

-The Salty Sweet (toffee nut hot chocolate topped with salt & caramel)

-Pumpkin Pie Latte

-Peppermint Bark (tuxedo mocha with peppermint syrup + crushed peppermint)

-Chocolate Orange (mocha with orange)

-Pumpkin Chai

-Gingerbread Latte

And still there's more that I don't remember!

Mmmm!

Just in case...

2008-12-04T21:09:00.000-08:00

...you haven't seen me in a while...

I've been doing homework. And that's actually what I'm up to tonight. I don't have anything exciting for you in this post-oops! But I thought I'd take a few quick snaps to show you the study environment.

I'm sitting on cream carpet leaning up against a chair covered in pillows. Earlier I was all propped up in bed--there's about four or five pillow up there that I will strategically arrange so I can sit and be supported for reading. Over to my right is a quilt rack with pillow cases, ornamental kitchen hand towels, and my sock basket on top of all that! I stacked a few pillows that I don't use underneath the whole kit and caboodle.

I used the word pillow a lot this post, which makes me realize just how many pillows are in here. Going to do a quick count and report it to you... Okay-got it! Fourteen pillows! Whew! But I'm glad since it allows me to make little study stations anywhere I want in here.

Want a back rest? Done!

Want something to prop your feet on? No problem!

Want something under your knees when they ache? Got the solution!

Want a lap desk to rest the laptop on as you work? Let me make a suggestion...!

Want something to curl up with when its cool out?

I know I do!

Mulling...

2008-12-01T07:43:00.000-08:00

The past four or so months have presented many challenges to me, and sometimes that's been hard. Sometimes not, but sometimes yeah, it's been tough. I tend to put on "brave face" and plow forward on the exterior. But what has been neat to realize is how God has been at work on the interior.

I would say that I am typically independent, like to be in control and fore-plan things, I like being strong and capable, I like feeling safe and settled. This list of likes has not escaped God's attention. There is nothing wrong with any of those things in and of themselves. The problem was they tend to get in between me and God.

I'd encourage you to read the snippet on the right from Larry Crabbe's book "Shattered Dreams." There are a few points in there that really hit home. Like the way we (I) tend to think God's Spirit and blessing equals feeling good when really it should equal drawing close to God. To grow with Him. To love Him more. The goal of knowing God is not to alleviate suffering or challenges. It's not to feel better. It's not to keep us (me) content in how we live our lives and relate to God. It means much more. It means to have an actual living, breathing, vibrant relationship with Him. Let me encourage you to read that excerpt and think it over.

So through this season God has challenged me to let Him be in control. To realize His provision and blessings. To count on more than the physical and tangible. That He is able to more than I could ever dream of, even when its weird to me at first...

I have had to work at abandoning myself to God. To allow His Spirit to work in me even when it doesn't feel good. Isn't that the ultimate purpose? By doing so God and I have a different relationship now. A deeper one.

And that makes the challenges worth it.

*Note* The excerpt mentioned in this post was replaced on 12-09-2008. Sorry if you missed it while it was up. Leave me a message if you want details on how to find it.

-Timmery

Small Groups...

2008-11-30T18:01:00.000-08:00

Now I know I have a ton of schoolwork to be doing, but school isn't all I do! So this afternoon after doing some reading, and some printing, and some thinking, and even a phone chat with my Mum, I did something sort of fun! Whee!

These are the memory verse cards I make for our Small Group that meets on Tuesday evenings. We have good times on Tuesdays. We connect, we grow, we learn about God, we live our faith. I love these women and I love meeting with them! This is part of what I feel and think as I take time out of my busyness to make our memory verses.

I don't have to do this. We could hand write the verses. We could put 'em on index cards. We could print them straight off the computer. We could not write them down at all! But these little cards are special. They take time to make, they are all different and unique. They are reminders.

These remind me to treat God's word with awe. The time I spend making them is time I spend dwelling in His word.

Time I use the gifts He has given me.

Time I use to express love for my group.

Reminders of who I do this for.

Reminders of why it's important to have memory verses.

Reminders to take a break from doing one thing only.

Reminders to stop and enjoy something pleasurable.

So if you're in Tuesday Night Small Group I guess I've ruined the surprise for this week! But I can't wait to see you anyway. :)

Responsibility

2008-11-29T19:59:00.000-08:00

This is Ariel.

If your first thought ran along the lines of "The Little Mermaid" I wouldn't fault you. Ariel is owned by a family with three young girls all under the age of seven. It would not surprise me to find out that Ariel's name was inspired by Disney!

Ariel is the 3rd Ariel to grace this house. After the second Ariel's arrival (due to the unfortunate demise of Ariel the First), one of the aforementioned small girls was very, very, very, saddened by this natural life occurrence. So when Ariel the Third came into the scene, it happened very hush-hush.

Enter Timmery the house-sitter. It is my responsibility to ensure Ariel remains healthy and swimming. I was asked almost everyday the week prior to my arrival if I could handle feeding the fish. (!!!!)

What?!

Really?!!!

Oh yes. This is apparently a stinkin' huge deal. The house could burn down. The dust could pile up. The yard could accumulate vermin and the palm trees swarms of bees (oh yes, that's already happened...), but the fish MUST SURVIVE!

So here you have it: Ariel is happy and swimming and enjoying fishy activities here with me in the dining room! Here is the photographic documentation. Next time I should photograph her with a current newspaper... Hmmm... And (gulp), should the unthinkable happen, now I have a photo should I need to make a frantic run to the pet store...

No, I won't think that way...

Hooray for the first week of survival-its me and you, Ariel!

The Digs of the Month

2008-11-25T13:00:00.000-08:00

It's finally warming up today! For some this may be inconceivable, but I was cold until about 12:45 today-brrrr! I have moved into my newest location this year--Sprucewood Lane, and it tends to not get warm in the sun until afternoon. I'm house-sitting here until January 4th. This neighborhood is one I'm acquainted with-the entire area is one of the safest and friendliest places I've lived at. My Aunt lives a few blocks up and over, which is how I first got to know this neck of this woods. The streets have block parties, neighbors talk to each other and borrow things and watch each other's children and have community garage sales together and trade furniture. The kids play in the street in the afternoons. Moms jog and Dads walk the dog and kids ride their bikes. This neighborhood is truly one of those places you enjoy living-because living is actually done here.

So, true to form, I shot a couple of shots of the new place. Just the exterior for now! Take a peek. The front door has pear wreaths-just in case you were wondering what those vivid green things were! The palm tree is in the front yard and seems to have a swarm of bees living in it...odd... Anyone ever hear of palm honey? Me neither, which makes me think its pretty rare and would fetch a pretty penny if I could access any! The back yard is sweet and feels tucked away with bushes lining the entire perimeter along with a white wood fence. The palm trees make canopies I can see and enjoy from my bedroom upstairs. I'm so looking forward to spending my days here this month.

Missy, the lady of the house, has taken her three daughters on the road while she hits the trade shows. I believe she is the co-owner/creator of a children's clothing company called "Sweet Funky Vintage." Since her husband is a marine deployed in Iraq she has her hands full with the house and business and girls! Whew! She and my Aunt are now friends and have much in common with husbands overseas and creative streaks--my aunt will sew the pieces after they've been designed and orders come in. This weekend she is making the company banner so Missy can hang it at the trade shows she'll attend.

This is an especially interesting place for me to rest my head as I too share in the creativity and would love to sometime figure out a way to make that a business. So its easy to see why its a little like Christmas for me here to see everything... I've taken a peek in her studio and love it! Also fun are the deliveries that happen several times a week. The fabrics are darling and its fun to see how she designs with them. If you're curious, I've posted a link to the company blog down below under "Design Sites."

*happy sigh*

I've spent the morning going through her mail (and let me tell you there are some fun catalogues that come in for the business!). Now comes my reality check: Historical Theology!

Godstops!

2008-11-20T09:21:00.000-08:00

In our women's small group study we're reading a Beth Moore book entitled "Believing God." It may sound pretty straight forward, but let me tell you, it packs quite the creative and thought-provoking punches! And that pretty much has captured me-I'm loving it!

Beth has challenged us to 5 key faith statements to claim as our own. She notes that there is a huge difference between believing in God (fire insurance, acknowledging that there is indeed God, etc, you can fill in the rest!) and believing God. The 5 part statement of faith goes a little something like this:

1) God is who He says He is

2) God can do what He says He can do

3) I am who God says I am

4) I can do all things through Christ

5) God's Word is alive and active in me

Two weeks ago, as we started off the study, we were given two challenges. The first was to think over our sanctification, especially in light of the faith statements above. We were encouraged to be more aware of our sanctification and were challenged to grow deeper in that process. As a reminder, we wear blue bracelets, just as the Levites wore blue tassels attached by blue cords as a statement that they were set apart for God. I have to say its effective. Every time I look down at my blue ribbon on my wrist I know exactly why I'm wearing it. That constant reminder is slowly helping my brain remember that I am set apart for God.

To help us remember who God is, and what that might look like in our lives, we were encouraged to record Godstops. The "stop" part is "Savoring The Observable Presence." Don't you love that?! I do. So now, armed with a fresh notebook, I have decided to go gung ho into this project too. I look for those things where I know God is active. I look for His Presence. I rejoice that my God is able! I do a baby victory dance with wiggles and heel clicks as I become aware the truth that He is who He says He is, He can do what He says He can do, I am who He says I am, I can do all things through Christ, and yes, by golly, God's Word is alive and active in me! Mmmmm... That's pretty good!

Mull it over.

Savor it.

Long little bit of my rambling here, but to cap off my story I just have to record a fun, baby Godstop for everyone.

1) Its a beautiful morning, and that just makes drinking my cappuccino even better.

2) I spent the night in La Mirada so I didn't have to drive today (research day in the library for me...!)

3) I'm DRINKING my CAPPUCCINO IN THE LIBRARY!

Ha! If that's not worth celebrating

this morning, well... I don't know. There's lots to celebrate, but this one makes me giddy this morning!

Strength

2008-11-16T16:21:00.001-08:00

Even though I am worn out, I'm glad God never gets tired. That there is nothing God cannot do.

That He is able.

That He is loving.

That He is wise.

That He is the Great Physician.

That He is the perfect provider.

That He knows me intimately.

That He does not give me more than I can handle.

That He does not give peace as the world gives.

That the Holy Spirit has sealed me and indwells me. Me!

That Timmery Layne Clark is a temple for the the God of the universe!

I'm glad, because I know I am frail and human and weak.

What a great treasure we house in our fragile clay jars...

Thank you Jesus! (Jesus hands are waving right about now!)

School days

2008-11-10T15:44:00.001-08:00

Today is one of the first times this semester I've spent any real length of time in the library. Lest you fear that I'm slacking (I might be) let me tell you about last semester's library visits...

It all started with Hermeneutics where I wrote about 7-8 papers roughly 7-8 pages each. Nice little bit of writing and research there-exactly the sort of thing that a library comes in handy for. Next we'll move on to New Testament Survey where I compiled a resource notebook about 40 pages long. Mmmm, Theology 2 wasn't too noteworthy in the library, instead we just plowed through the books we purchased for class-that four inch book by Shedd was plenty.

I'm really not all that academic, I enjoy playing when I can. But it seems I've used up all my "play" passes and the library has beckoned once again. Research papers and special projects are coming due. It's just that time of year. Yes, that's right. The time of year to hustle with one's research and documentation because finals will be smack dab around the corner after that!

Thoughts I Think

2008-11-04T15:40:00.000-08:00

Right now I'm sitting at Panera after finishing a late lunch. I'm doing a quick little daydream session before homework calls me back. Here's the randomness that comes to mind at any given time (Sometimes. Never in the middle of class though. Especially Historical Theology. That would nearly be a sin. Pity.).

1. Looking at the Panera banner that says:

Give Receive Rejoice. Share A Moment. Celebrate The Season. I like the pretty crimson that dominates the banner. I like that it makes me think of Jesus, even if that wasn't necessarily the intent (maybe it was though...). I like that this year I'm excited for Christmas-the whole thing! (Usually I just like the Jesus being born part, not so much the rest: the hastle, the expectation, the family, the loneliness... This year, not the case! Hooray!!)

2. I like that these days I'm a lot more sensitive to God's Presence in my life. Still need to work on that yielding control to the Holy Spirit though. This becomes especially evident when I drive home on the freeway. But I like that I'm now so much more aware that I need God's Presence continually, and that (*glory*) He lets me feel His Presence these days!

3. I've got ideas of Christmas presents I'd like to make. I think I have to modify them so as to make them actually affordable, but hey! I love that the creative juices are flowing! Mmmm mm mmmmmm! I never know if people like the weird things I make, but I have fun :)

4. For the first time this semester I don't feel like I'm drowning. I might be able to make it through, intact! This in part is because of Psalm 126. Read it. Oh yeah, its good. It's a rejoicing psalm of ascents that talks about the Israelites receiving blessing after returning from the exile. Go study it. I've got a special significance with this Psalm, but that's a story for another post...

5. Gas prices are lower than they were last week, last month, last quarter... I'm a commuter... So I say: Hallelujah!

6. God provides for me in ways I don't understand. I feel spoiled. I'm going to say I'm blessed. It's true. More than I give Him credit for. Food, shelter, love, growth, school, satisfaction, health, community, and on and on it goes!

7. I am loved. Here's a little sampling: Tiffany always makes sure I am hugged up and feel that I am loved. The Redifer's make sure I am taken care of. My Mom sends me money for school along with crazy care packages (including those clear plastic bowling shoes I wore for Halloween!). Yesterday Nadia sent me a text: "I prayed 4 u today. Hope u r feeling better in ur new place! I love u." Cherryl prays for me and offers me support whether I'm up or down. Sharon calls me and drops me a note every month I'm in school. My Aunt lets me store things in her garage and closet, even when her life is crazy on its own. Maria and Lissa send me emails or texts.

What a great little community I've got! Praise God!

Well, I almost got to ten, but now I've thought of more homework things to do. Daydream session is done for now!

Setting Up House...

2008-10-30T12:59:00.000-07:00

(Top photo: New Place in Escondido. Middle photo: Last Place in Oceanside. Bottom photo: First Place in Escondido.)

Through a set of circumstances that were completely unexpected, I am somewhat homeless this semester. At the beginning of this week I moved into my 3rd home and started the all-too-familiar process of settling in. Again. This time I have a teeny tiny room above a storage building at my friend's house. My own space! Now that gets me excited! The main house is just a hop, skip and jump away from my little "tree house" under the pines, which is good because I don't have my own restroom!

I have windows on all four sides, a front patio, a back deck, a ceiling fan, and the protection of Suki the Akita (strangers should be careful, she's quite territorial. I bribe her with a spoonful of my coffee, but others might not win her heart nearly so easily!).

It's been interesting to see how this all plays out. I remember being so devastated about this whole mess a couple months back. All my careful planning just fell through with a completeness that broke my heart and sent me into an emotional slump. Things got hard. I got sad. But even though I experienced these rough patches God hadn't deserted me. He allows me to go through the tough seasons to refine me, to build my character, to grow me up into more of the woman God desires me to be. And I'm okay with that.

Next month I have another house set up to move into, once again, God has provided! I sincerely hope this trend of moving once a month will be coming to an end soon. But I'm not promised that, only that God will be with me! What can beat that?

Cappuccino Casualty!

2008-10-24T11:25:00.000-07:00

My tiny little baby story is that I spilled my coffee on myself this morning. I was so excited the barrista added a fourth shot on the house! And then I reached for a sleeve and tipped the cup. I think that last shot hit the road, or counter top. *sigh* And to add insult to injury, my jacket sleeve also received much coffee lovin'. I now smell quite, um, delicious! Almost like a grande, nonfat, 2 raw sugar, quad-shot cappuccino! Jealous?

And just so there's no confusion, the model cup in the photos is my water glass-no coffee present!

Retreat!

2008-10-15T16:54:00.001-07:00

The word retreat is an interesting one, the idea of drawing back or away... I feel that way with different things in my life.

Sometimes its a needed thing, like when my priorities are unbalanced. Then it becomes a good thing to lighten my grip and to back off what I was so intent on, or so consumed by.

And then when I look at the idea of taking a retreat for Spiritual reasons... Initially the two ideas don't seem to go together. I look at a retreat as a time of making a connection of God, of building the relationship, of resting and growing. And then there is the sense I have that people who go on retreats are super-spiritual and get God-things I'll never understand. Those people intimidate me.

But then I realize that by choosing to leave my regular life behind for a little bit to commune with God really is retreat. It's the decision to back away from a lifestyle that has perhaps gotten too busy or too filled with things of temporal value. And when I look at how God can draw me in that time, well, there's nothing to scary about that-or even super-spiritual!

This past weekend I was able to go on a silence and solitude retreat. I thought I was too busy to go, and was dreading it. Plus it was for class and I didn't want to spend the weekend with classmates I barely knew.

Let me just affirm that this time beat my expectations hands down. God was there. I experienced His Presence in a way I have not in a while. This came at such a needed time as well. My life really isn't so smooth right now, nor is it in most people's lives that I know. God is up to something and none of us know what it is, but we're in it! So this pause from that stress was a blessing. I came away from this weekend with the knowledge that God did something amazing in my life. I have a hard time describing it, but it happened. Nothing flashy or TV-evangelist-in-your-face, but more gently, more humbly. Like the way the Saviour of the Universe came to earth quietly and started human life in the manger of an tiny, unknown locale. Humble and unassuming. Yet mysterious and powerful.

I feel like I have the sparkle-dust-glow of that God-encounter on me still. Which is good since I'm back in the real world. My problems didn't go away at all, but now I can approach them from a different perspective. A better one. One where God is involved and I know it.

I plan on taking more retreats now. Before I didn't get it, I didn't see the value really. But now I do. I hope you can experience this as well. I know a good spot if you need a recommendation!

Personal Preferences

2008-10-06T15:18:00.000-07:00

Today as I was studying (and thank goodness the room isn't crowded with chattering undergrads, I find the chattering to be counterproductive for my study habits!) I happened upon a realization: I'm set in my ways.

I had to sit at a table I wouldn't normally sit at because my 3 top choices were taken. Later as my favorite spot opened up I rushed right over and claimed it! Plugged in my laptop, spread out my things, set my bag in the second chair-that spot was MINE! Interestingly enough I find I've been able to study better because of it :)

But then this thought was really driven home when I went to the restroom. I walked down the hall and discovered the whole entire restroom was empty! So I got to choose whatever stall struck my fancy. I walked down the row and found my favorite stall-and that's when I stopped.

I have a favorite bathroom stall? Oh yes, I do! It changes from restroom to restroom, usually depends on lighting (who wants to get into a small, DARK stall? That's uncomfortable. Scary. Weird.). The more I thought about (because what else would I do when washing my hands?) the more I realized I do this all the time. I sit in the same chair in 3 of my 5 classes, but in the same area of the remaining 2 classes. If you want to find me at Resonate, you'll be able to track me down on the right hand side a couple rows from the front. If I get in my car, I'd better be in the driver's seat. When I park at church, school, or Target, or Starbucks I'll be drawn to the same area usually. I have a little more flexibility at Barnes & Noble, but there are some places I want to sit, and others I definitely don't want to inhabit...

What about you guys? Any creatures of habit out there besides me?

Modern Designer Furniture and The White Person

2008-10-02T17:51:00.000-07:00

This week I heard about a book that was given to one of my friends called something like "What White People Like." I'll have to check into that again. Anyway, that in itself was a little amusing because this friend isn't white, but his friends say he's the whitest person they know...

Yesterday the book was waiting for me, and I flipped through it this morning. *Realization-I'm probably pretty white!*

One of the qualifiers was the obsession with Modern furniture designed by classic architects. The chairs are not to be referred to as "chairs," but by their proper name, which usually in some way works the architects name into it... For the untrained, if you walk into this person's house, you can identify the piece by its uncomfortable appearance. If you do not recognize it then you can ask who designed it. You can then in turn spout off about your anticipation of acquiring (insert any well-known architect's name here) splendid and sculptural chair. If they're familiar with it, your estimation goes up in their eyes and they'll nod appreciatively. And if they don't know it, they'll still nod-and go home to look up said architect and their furniture designs!

Coming from a background in architecture I find this to be so true! I can vividly remember when fellow architects I knew would acquire a special piece. We stood around it reverently, admiring the lines, the quality, the sophistication and beauty... The chair can be an idol for architects-I'll just leave it at that. I'm pretty sure there was something pretty close to worship going on with those chairs!

Above are a few of my personal favorites. The white "La Chaise", designed by Eames, is my hands down favorite, although I love the "Le Corbusier Chaise Lounge" and the Wassily chair is a close third! These can be yours for about $1850-$8500 depending on which one you want.

*sigh*

Maybe it'll be a little while longer before I get my own "La Chaise"...

I need a title...

2008-10-01T16:13:00.000-07:00

Lately it seems like I look around and see nothing but heartaches, challenges, and difficulties all over! Doom and gloom style. I get the sense these days that my "who I am when no one looks" person is delving more and more into negativity... Uh oh!

What?!

I'm an optimist though! This down and out aspect to my life is unwanted...except that it helps me grow. Rats, there's that optimism coming through again!

I still see beauty in life. I can still appreciate the creativity in things I see and know gladness that I experience God-given pleasure. I know that at the core of everything God is still the King of the Universe and in control. In the chaos God is still there.

Is it just me, or am I on a theme these past few weeks?! I'm ready to have different thoughts that I blog about... Maybe it's time to pay closer attention to those creative, light-hearted things I come across. :)

Something to work on-and post!

(And maybe it'll even be something with a picture!)

Kerith and Zarephath and Elijah

2008-09-25T10:12:00.000-07:00

Our new sermon series on Sunday mornings is teaching us about Elijah. This man that God uses is amazing to study and to learn from. One of the main points a couple weeks ago is that "Being a spokesperson for God is one thing; being a Godly spokesperson requires special preparation." Part of that preparation for Elijah involved trials and difficulties. In the Kerith Ravine Elijah is completely isolated and dependent on ravens (unclean animals) to bring him food. Next God has him live-not briefly camp out-at Zarephath, the idolatrous land that Jezebel came from. Things got tough for Elijah during those 3 years of drought... Things were uncertain. Things didn't happen logically. Some things were downright strange and pretty undesireable. What is God doing here? Well, not that I'm an expert on knowing the mind of God, but through these experiences Elijah became refined. Elijah became a man of God through these tough times. He learned that God IS in control. God IS trustworthy. God's plans ARE wise. Elijah experienced firsthand the reliability of God's promises. And so do we. The principle for this past week's sermon was "A strong faith requires regular testing and purifying. (without faithit is impossible to please God...Heb.)." Wow! I can say I want a strong faith. But the testing and purifying-that hurts. I'm a little less sure about the painful and difficult seasons. I look over this past month to two months, things aren't rosy and wonderful. People let me down in some significant ways. School material isn't as easy to grasp, not to mention the work load isn't light. My housing situation is temporary at best, with the likelihood of two more moves this year. I'm unsettled (literally), I have stress from all these things ganging up on me at once. No, this is not the season of the light yoke and easy burden. That is why this past sermon struck such a chord in me this week. Difficulty and distress is one thing, but it becomes so much more when you realize God can use those circumstances to refine you. Hooray! These hurts aren't going to waste! The point? "The edge of uncertainty is where God grows our faith and prepares us for effective ministry." The big picture is so much more beautiful and amazing than my tight, narrow view of my life only. It's exciting to know God is always at work. He is in control and trustworthy. Hooray!

A day in the life...

2008-09-17T13:29:00.000-07:00

This morning I woke up and, with a lot of help from Tiffany, moved some of my bulkier pieces of furniture into storage. Through an interesting set of circumstances I'll be moving this month, and then again later this year. This move is temporary, designed to save me money-something that concerns me recently.

I've moved five times in the 4.75 years I've been here. I find myself looking for a bit of stability. Renting space for a year only is beginning to wear a little thin. I'm yearning to settle in and claim a spot that can be home. Realistically I think the odds are against me as I'll be renting again later this year, plus I'm a student. What will my life look like once I graduate? I can't say that I'll still be local: God might prompt a move across country, halfway across country, or 10 miles down the road.

I heard a snippet of conversation at a lunch spot on campus today that made me think. One student was talking about the way we live when no one is looking. I have to admit that recently, I've been worried and down when no one is looking. Moving is tough, especially since the older I get the more stable I want to be. Within this month I've also have some circumstances that made me wonder about the people near to me: my heart wants to be able to count on them, but they're human too-they will at times fail me. And so I privately work through that internal confusion because I don't want anyone to know these thoughts. Classes, well, that should be pretty self-explanatory. They are crazy and stressful and grand and teach me so much (even on the days I forget half my gear, get my schedule confused, and/or have no real clue what the professor has just said...). Who I am in private is much more contemplative than when you see me in person. And this week's mullings have been looking at my circumstances and the emotions they spark in me: why do I have trouble and end up hurting in some things?

I think its safe to say that this past month is stretching me. I wanted security and support, but God is desiring for me to be dependent on Him. I see in most of my thoughts and actions a hint of independence, a touch of "I'll figure it out and go for it out of my own smarts and strength." Dangerous territory for me. This is probably one of the life lessons God has to teach me over and over again because it's just that ingrained in my stubborn self.

Refining can hurt. Learning God-lessons isn't always easy or comfortable. I honestly wish it was, but it isn't. But my soul and mind take comfort in the fact that in all my circumstances and feelings God is yearning for me. Yearning that I would draw close to Him, love Him, obey Him, play with Him, hurt with Him, grow with Him...

Thanks God for loving me so much you can't stand to let me have anything before You. The jealousy and intensity of love leaves no room for anything else but You. Thanks for reminding me and fighting for me when I'm tempted to shift my eyes to circumstances and desires that leave You outside the core. Thanks for drawing me continually closer to your great heart.

Learning from the Old Testament

2008-09-09T21:48:00.000-07:00

I have an Old Testament Survey class this semester, I'm really excited about it. I think its going to be great to learn all these facts and tidbits that enrich my understanding of the stories I've known since I was a tot. I'm hoping that as I make my way through this class (and the entire OT) I'll be struck again by who God is and the depth and goodness of God's heart of love toward us.

I hope that's what happens. At least I have the joyful anticipation that it will-coupled with expectancy that God will continue revealing Himself and I'll fling myself into His presence with renewed awe and excitement of better knowing Him. Heady stuff, maybe a high bar to be setting....

This class has met once so far (Labor Day holiday strangeness affecting the academic calendar...), so I've barely had a taste of what the next 16 (or so) weeks will look like. Assigned so far: 4 chapters of textbook, and Genesis and Exodus (preferably read in a single sitting-gulp!).

I wrapped up with Exodus late this morning and felt that my expectations had been met-at least I had the promise they were going to be met as gloriously as I have been hoping. I love the familiar stories of these people and how God continually bails humans out of their sin because He's just that good.

But I noticed a particular strand of text jump out at me in particular today.

The scene takes place in the latter half of Exodus, and in fact, gets mentioned multiple times (so pay attention!). God is giving directions about the tabernacle and its contents and even the clothing He is expecting. I love that God furnishes these elaborate instructions. Because He doesn't stop there, He calls out for the craftsmen who have a heart for this assignment (and God) to come and make these items. Most impressively God mentions Bezalel by name and calls him specifically to craft the Ark of the Covenant. God, like a proud Papa, mentions Bezalel and the gifts given to him and how Bezalel has used and refined them. He singles out this man and calls on him to use his gifts for His glory. Perhaps Bezalel's whole purpose was wrapped up in this calling.

This story touches my heart (and this may be silly) because of the creative side I have. Sometimes I rationalize things too much and make it ugly rather than seeing the creativity as a gift. At times I think its not practical, it doesn't fund my tuition, I'm not making a living off it, is it right for me to even consider making money off art when there are so many necessities in life people need instead of things of beauty? All the insecurities roll in, and I ignore and downplay my desire to create, to use my artisticness. I know I shouldn't be feeling those things at all and instead realize God has given them to me so I can honor Him with them, regardless of how people may view it.

So, right there in Exodus, God had a little ahem moment with me (I love that!). Right there in scripture, repeated and expressed in detail, was mention of a talented craftsman God regarded highly, and praised because Bezalel had honed his talent to exquisiteness. Validation that God does know us, creates us specifically, and loves how He has gifted us.

This morning was a valuable lesson in learning to love what God has put in me.

I can't wait to see what I learn from Deuteronomy and Leviticus!

One of those days...

2008-09-08T20:59:00.000-07:00

Yes, I think I'm overwhelmed today. Here are a few reasons why:

-I've finally had all of my classes: there will be a LOT of work.

Scary.

-The good friends I made in class last semester I rarely see. I miss them. I'm still working on making new, good classmate friends.

Sad.

-I gave my 30-day notice on September 1 and was planning on moving to my Aunt's house since my finances are tough right now. Unexpected circumstances came up, I now don't know where I'll be come October 1. Where I'll be living next...

Uncertain.

-Today I heard my new total on my medical bills, I owe double what I thought I did despite the fact I took a chunk of money out of savings to lower my weekly payments.

Ouch.

-Gas is expensive, I commute a lot, I'll be paying for all that from this time forward through my academic career.

Double ouch.

-If I go back to work (to supplement my current financial situation) I don't know how I'll get it all done-schoolwork (reading, writing, researching, analyzing, praying, special projects), job work, sleep, friends, ministry, church groups, sanity...

Panic.

-Mom suggested I move on campus for the rest of my schooling. I don't know...

Gulp.

-The start of any new schedule or a new change in my life always takes a toll on me physically; I'm finding that I need more sleep now than I did a month ago. I'm...

Exhausted.

Seems I have a lot on my plate, and even more on my mind recently. Where is the easy burden/light yoke?

What is going on here?

Discouraged.

Big breath. Even though things are out of control it seems, I know none of this is a surprise to God. I wish I had a better idea of the future-a reassuring, under-control sort of idea. Maybe I'm due another faith lesson. I just want to say "stinkin' transition," stamp my foot, and have my world turn right painlessly. And also someone to tell me encouraging things that bolster my spirits and remind me of God's faithfulness and all the good things in my life (maybe remind me to avoid run-on sentences too).

There are good things going on in my life right now, but I'll leave that post until another day. I need to pray and sleep right now. I'm out of energy tonight.

Birthday alert

2008-09-01T09:41:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone. This is a picture of Nadia taken last summer about this time. Nadia is having a birthday this week, on September 5th actually. That's this Friday.

Soooo, if Nadia is someone special in your life this is your semi-official reminder. Go buy her a card. And I'm thinking she wants to go hot tubbing Friday, so make sure your suit's good to go!

I'll post an update to let everyone know what a good time we had celebrating Nadia's birthday!

Mmm, presents! Whee Nadia! See you at Bruno's!

September 7, 2008

Well, here's the update for the birthday celebration for Nadia's special day! Lissa, Maria, Sarah, Tiffany and myself took Nadia out for a little dinner celebration Friday evening at Bruno's in San Marcos. What followed was a few thoroughly enjoyable hours that one experiences in the presence of close friends during a time of joy. We giggled, we told stories, looked at a few pictures, and sang "Happy Birthday" loudly. After dinner we drove to our next destination: hot tubbing! After we introduced the girls to the dogs and everyone was comfortable, we all took a strawberry margarita out to the hot tub and ended the work week by relaxing. A few stories were told (remember the dance class with the drill instructor? ) and Nadia shared a few memorable things from this past year.

These birthday milestones may be a time of fun and connecting with good friends, but that's not all they are. Just like New Year's Eve, it prompts me to recall the growth that has taken place over the past year, lessons that were learned (even if you weren't looking to learn them), and the times with others that are sealed in my memory.

Nadia is beautiful in so many ways. One of the things I most admire in her is her commitment to her relationship with God, and every year I see growth in her. Thanks for letting us watch your walk and sharing it with us. You're a blessing to all who know you. Happy Birthday!

Back to what?

2008-08-28T09:45:00.001-07:00

During the past couple of weeks I've been squeezing in as much pleasure reading as possible. The reason for this is that classes at Talbot School of Theology started...yesterday. Unfornately I'm not finished with my current series of books. What to do?

Well, obviously the smart thing in my mind was to take my fun book to one of the campus coffee shops and continue where I left off. What should I have reading? Well, that's fairly evident...

*sigh*

Oh yes, and a quick shout-out to Ting and Jenn as the start classes today! Historical Theo, Mentoring, Theo 1, and Intro to Pastoral Care & Counseling won't be the same without you ladies. Ting, I have a glad heart that at least we'll be studying the OT together :)

Cards

2008-08-09T21:07:00.000-07:00

I like cards. Not all cards. Some are ugly, some are completely without thought or meaning, and some are flat-out distasteful. But some cards are amazing: they bring together color, texture, rhythm, and other elements of design combined with uplifting and heartfelt words. They can be pieces of art that are available to almost anyone and made personal oh-so-easily.

I enjoy receiving cards from people for most of those reasons. I keep most of the cards I receive out of the blue for no regularly scheduled holiday (such as my birthday on September 13...). And my holidays would be incomplete without these small tokens of thought and love. When the anticipated holiday draws near I start checking my mailbox fanatically. Did anyone remember me? Is the card funny? Is it beautiful? What will it say? Maybe it will be a simple message and a signature to let me know I'm not forgotten. Perhaps its a direct paragraph with meaningful expressions of love. Sometimes its both plus a chatty update from the sender.

Then there are the ones that touch my heart simply because they aren't expected. For a reason unknown to me at the time, someone was thinking of me and put action behind their thought. I have cards from people cheering me through a tough week, notes expressing prayer for me, cards with encouragement and support when I'm approaching an event (like the start of another semester).

In architecture school we talked about art and creating, the uniqueness of putting something of yourself in an object-the art of design. The beauty that comes from having your hand, heart, and head involved. Even in the simplicity of a handwritten message.

I've been combining these things into my own handmade cards and for the past couple of years I've been playing with papers and styles and techniques. My cards aren't glossy and pristine like the ones in the racks of department stores. They've got torn edges and multiple layers that are assembled with some design methods... They don't look like anything else I've seen out there, but I sure enjoy making them-and sending them. Recently I've even made sets to give away as gifts, a start that I hope to expand upon someday. Eventually I'd like to put together sets to sell. That's down the road a bit, but if anyone has any sort of ideas or tips for me, please send 'em my way! I'd love to hear about it!

Summer nights

2008-08-02T23:16:00.000-07:00

Crisp, mellow evenings with a log on the firepit... Live music... Food fresh from the grill... Yes, this is part of what summer should be. And that's what I got to experience this evening at my Aunt's house with a few of her guests.

Unfortunately, the one that snagged my hand and wanted to walk me to my car may have had a few too many Corona's and managed to walk into the closed screen door instead of opening it...but since we both made it through the door okay I'd say he was successful in the end :)

Especially since he somehow wrangled my phone number out of me.

*sigh*

The things we do in summer...

Recipes I love: Mamacello Pasta

2008-07-26T16:17:00.000-07:00

Mamacello Pasta

(from Rachel Ray)

4 servings

Ingredients:

-1 pound spaghetti or linguine

-Salt

-3 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil (EVOO), 3 turns of the pan

-4 garlic cloves

-2 pinches of crushed red pepper flakes

-1/2 cup dry white wine (a couple of glugs)

-Zest of 2 lemons, 1 lemon juiced

-1/2 cup heavy cream (eyeball it!)

-Handful of flat-leaf parsley, chopped

-1 cup fresh basil (20 leaves), shredded

-Freshly grated Parmigiano-Reggiano or Pecorino Romano cheese, for topping the pasta and passing around the table

Directions:

1. Bring a large pot of water to a boil. Add the pasta and salt the water liberally. Cook the pasta until al dente, 6 to 7 minutes.

2. While the pasta cooks, heat a deep skillet over low heat and add the EVOO, 3 turns of the pan. When the olive oil is warm, add the garlic and red pepper flakes. Turn off the heat and set the garlic aside for 5 minutes, then raise the heat to medium, add the wine and lemon zest and boil to reduce the wine by half, about 3 minutes.

3. When the pasta is just about cooked, add a ladle of starchy pasta cooking water to the skillet with the sauce and stir in the heavy cream. When the cream is warmed through, whisk the lemon juice into the sauce and season with salt. Drain the pasta and toss with the sauce, then let the pasta stand for 1 minute so it can soak up a little of the sauce and lots of flavor. Toss with the parsley, basil and a couple handfuls of grated cheese, then serve immediately. Pass around extra cheese at the table.

Quick Realization

2008-07-26T16:15:00.000-07:00

I was thinking of a new recipe to add to my Favorites, but it dawned on me that if I keep changing that column I'll lose the previous recipe. So I'm going to do my recipes in the blog area as a post. If anyone has a better idea or recommendation for me, please send me a comment :)

Things Nadia teaches me...

2008-07-24T22:16:00.001-07:00

Nadia, being a teacher, is perfectly suited to help me learn new things. Spanish is a forte of hers, so I know I'm getting the good stuff when Nadia tells me how to say something.

Tonight after Post College Group at church we were practicing our spanish. I'm not that great, so most of what I have to say is completely useless. I have a few truly great nouns that are pretty much not helpful to know at all, things like "fuego" (fire), "fuerte" (strong), "ada madrina"(fairy godmother, pretty sure I spelled it wrong), "cielo"(sky), "el raton" (the rat)... The things you use on a regular basis, of course...

Tonight I mentioned that I love the word "tlaquache" (oh my goodness I know I butchered the spelling on that one). So Nadia and Tiffany worked up a little phrase I can use that will come in soooo handy for me (sarcastic voice):

Aplaste un tlaquache con mi bicicleta.

**ah-plas-STAY oon tlah-kwatch-ay con me bee-cee-clay-ta** (phonetic pronunciation I think)

For the non spanish speakers, that means "I ran over a raccoon with my bicycle."

I'm going to use that one tomorrow at work! Whee!

Noteworthy Read

2008-07-17T14:41:00.000-07:00

I'm now rereading a book my mother sent me last week, The Shack. I had read about it in the Family Christian Bookstore flyer, and was excited to get it. It starts out like your average fiction book, interesting story line that pulls you in. Around chapter 5 you get blindsided by a very interesting twist. The main character meets with God and the conversations that take place from that point forward, not to mention the descriptions of the amazing relationship of the Trinity, well, it gives a person a lot to think about. I can say that I've given a lot of thought to this little book and then reflected on my own relationship with God.

Here's another sample from the book (this might be a longish entry...sorry!):

"...I always liked Jesus better than you. He seemed so gracious and you seemed so..."

"Mean? Sad, isn't it? He came to show people who I am and most folks only believe it about him. They still play us off like good cop/bad cop most of the time, especially the religious folk. When they want people to do what they think is right, they need a stern God. When they need forgiveness, they run to Jesus."

"Exactly," Mack said with a point of his finger.

"But we were all in him. He reflected my heart exactly. I love you and invite you to love me."

"But why me? I mean, why Mackenzie Allen Phillips? Why do you love someone who is such a screw-up? After all the things I've felt in my heart toward you and all the accusations I made, why would you even bother to keep trying to get through to me?"

"Because that is what love does," answered Papa. "Remember, Mackenzie, I don't wonder what you will door what choices you will make. I already know. Let's say, for example, I am trying to teach you how not to hide inside of lies, hypothetically of course," she said with a wink. "And let's say that I know it will take you forty-seven situations and events before you will actually hear me-that is, before you will hear clearly enough to agree with me and change. So when you don't hear me the first time, I'm not frustrated or disappointed, I'm thrilled. Only forty-six more times to go. And that first time will be a building block to construct a bridge of healing that one day-that today-you will walk across."

"Okay, now I'm feeling guilty," he admitted.

"Let me know how that works for you," Papa chuckled. "Seriously, Mackenzie, it's not about feeling guilty. Guilt'll never help you find freedom in me. The best it can do is make you try harder to conform to some ethic on the outside. I'm about the inside."

"But, what you said. I mean, about hiding inside lies. I guess I've done that one way or another most of my life."

"Honey, you're a survivor. No shame in that. Your daddy hurt you something fierce. Life hurt you. Lies are one of the easiest paces for survivors to run. It gives you a sense of safety, a place where you only have to depend on yourself. But it's a dark place, isn't it?"

"So dark," Mack muttered with a shake of his head.

"But are you willing to give up the power and safety it promises you? That's the question."

"What do you mean?" asked Mack, looking up at her.

"Lies are a little fortress; inside them you can feel safe and powerful. Through your little fortress of lies you try to run your life and manipulate others. But the fortress needs walls, so you build some. These are the justifications for your lies...."

This definitely hits on some major points that give a person a lot to chew on, but its good reading and very interesting the entire way through. I hope people get a chance to read it and reflect on it-I think it'll change your walk with God.

Room 728 for Four at the Marriott?

2008-07-13T14:23:00.000-07:00

Last summer (or maybe the one before...I lose track...advanced age, head injury, blah blah blah) Nadia, Maria and myself were walking along the harbor paths near Seaport Village and discovered the beautiful swimming pool at the Marriott hotel. We were able to walk right thru the gate and sit beside the pool and enjoy the lovely resort feel. I've been mulling over the idea for a summer (or two?) now that we should "crash" the Marriott pool. Enough sitting and watching-I was ready to experience! This past week I informed Tiffany, Nadia, and Sarah of my plans to do just that and invited them to join me in my little adventure. Everyone gamely came along, buuuuut only two (ahem!) actually swam. I definitely was pleased to find the water was warm. Nearly like bath water...but 3.5-5 feet deep! It was a little challenging to find lounge chairs, but we finally pulled up a pretty section of grass to sit on and soon enough two chairs opened up. I brought my own beach towel, but in order to "blend" with all the resort towels that were around Tiffany and I scouted around until we found where we too could obtain those white and green towels of the "in" crowd. We found the appropriate tiki hut, and all we had to do was sign our initials, what room we were in, and how many towels we wanted.

Room number?! Ummm.... Sarah had asked me that question earlier "what are you going to say if someone asks what room you're in?" I jokingly told her we were in 728-who knew I'd actually need that info?!

Next thing I knew Tiffany and I had turquoise wrist bands and we were soaking up some tropical warmth and happily splashing in the pool!

Just in case anyone would like the play-by-play of our adventures yesterday Sarah and Nadia wrote down our activities and approximate time frames. Nadia also documented our adventure with her photography skills (see below).

Questionnaires...

2008-06-29T20:15:00.000-07:00

...I love 'em! Not all of them, especially not the ones that come from my mechanic (how would you rate your service? how could we improve? I'd rather skip the unpleasant necessity of mechanics altogether, buuuut I am blessed to own an ancient car.)

The questionnaires I'm thinking of in particular are the fun ones that friends and family send you. I received one this week and have actually gotten back a few responses. I was asked varied questions ranging from favorite salad dressing to asking if I'd been kissed under the mistletoe to states visited. This newest "survey" was a two parter: a check-the-box set of questions and a short answer section. I've filled it out and found out just which of my friends have caught a snowflake on their tongue and which have not.

As I fill out the lighthearted questions I wondered at the sense of fun and enjoyment I felt. What is the attraction here? I'm not sure its the depth of the questions or that we'll discover the meaning of life... So what is the draw? I think I've got a few ideas, but I'm open to being wrong :)

I wonder if the main appeal has to do with building relationships establishing intimacy with those we care about. In the world we live in now we're surrounded by multiple ways to avoid real conversation and distractions that prevent us from connecting with another. Even with my dearest of friends I find this sad phenomenon. Breaking it down from the very beginning, I was excited to receive an email from a special friend; I was chosen and singled out to receive personal information from someone I care about and invited to reciprocate. How often are we the recipient of someone's life details and invited to share our own in return?

I think it opens up within me the desire to be known. Granted, this "questionnaire" method isn't the best way to do so, but it opens the door for further thought. Why is it important that someone know about me? It may not be important for a good majority of people, and I'm fine with that. But I sure do want to be known by the ones I love and care about the most. Why is that? Why do I want to share with others and to hear about the lives of my friends?

Relationship. I think it has to do with the way God designed us. We are created to communicate, love, and interact personally with our God. God created Eve for Adam so he would someone to share with. Jesus came to earth and died for us so we could be restored in our relationship with God. The story has "relationship" written on it from start to finish.

And when relationships are a little rocky? Well, here's an excerpt from a book called "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge:

"Another common enemy that often is at work in women's relationships is a spirit of accusation. In our friendships, in our relationships with peers at work, and especially in our marriages, we often feel we are a disappointment to others, that they disapprove of us. We feel in their presence that we are not enough, or that we are too much. After we leave a time with them, we're plagued by a deep sense of failing. We feel frustrated and irritated and ashamed that we feel that way. Our hearts often land in shame and isolation, or we go to resentment...and isolation.

"Do you know what I am talking about? Do you recognize this in your own life? That replaying of conversations you've had with people, that sense of having blown it, or that other sense of just being really irritated at them? Have you noticed how the feelings grow as you continue to mull it over? Now, who do you suppose would have a vested in ruining your relationships? This is exactly what Paul warned the Corinthians about when he said, "For we are not unaware of his schemes" (2 Cor. 2:11)."

Some of these questions I'm not sure apply in my relationships, definitely not all of my relationships. But what catches my eye the most is the comment "who do you suppose would have a vested in ruining your relationships?" That makes sense to me. I am drawn to relationships, I get busy and the relationships stop growing, or worse yet, somehow emotions get damaged because of a comment or action and the relationship suffers as a result. Even though I love my friends and family it seems so much easier to let them slide. But I love the invitation to share myself with someone? It doesn't quite seem to line up. For that reason I can see that there is that spiritual warfare side of things below the surface of our relationships.

I don't know about you, but knowing this makes me want to protect my God-given relationships, fight for them, continue to share and listen. Even though the questionnaires are fun, I'm challenged to make sure my relationships reach beyond and keep growing.

Thanks Jon!

2008-06-15T12:21:00.001-07:00

A while ago Tiffany mentioned to me she wanted photos of us...maybe photos taken by someone who knew what they were doing (I'm pretty sure that eliminated me saying, "okay, hop in front of my computer camera". Womp womp womp). Since her birthday was a couple of weeks ago we got Jon Upson to take some pictures for us. I'm not entirely sure I remember this black and white one though! Sadly, it does seem pretty in-character for me though... Who knew he'd be so handy with his clicker? Visit him at jonnyups.com where I'm pretty sure you can see his work, access his blog, and maybe even his myspace...

Even though my hair has seen better days, I'm sure glad Jon was willing to spend a couple hours with us on that Wednesday evening. Not only did we have a good time, we have the evidence to prove it!

"Our mouths were filled with laughter, our tongues with songs of joy." Psalm 126:2

Weekend Adventures

2008-06-09T17:56:00.000-07:00

Well, even though I had a long work week I did manage to enjoy my last weekend. For starters I enjoyed some Thai food on the beach Saturday with Tiffany, Nadia, and Sarah. Then we taste tested three flavors of chocolate, and still had time for three rounds of bocce ball!

One of the highlights of the weekend was riding the Sprinter for the first time. I had the option of buying a day pass ($4.00) or a one way ticket ($2.00) and hopped aboard at the Escondido Transit Center. A smidge under an hour later I was in Oceanside ready to hit the beach. I have to say I enjoyed the ride quite a bit. It was fairly quiet, air-conditioned, not too crowded, and had a soothing slight side to side sway. I packed a book and thoroughly enjoyed the experience. With gas in $4.40ish range right now, and prices expected to climb, I found the Sprinter to be an economical solution for me as I know it costs me much more than $4.00 for a round trip to Oceanside. In fact, I'm going to ride it again in the morning to get to work...

One side note though, as I boarded in Oceanside to come home, I had a RiteAid ice cream cone in hand. The guard approached me and I smiled (its what I do). He informed me that normally food isn't allowed on board, buuuut he was nearly done for the day. And with a polite "have a nice ride" my smuggled ice cream cone was eaten-a "sweet" end to the day!

Coming Soon...

2008-06-05T22:00:00.000-07:00

Tales of Office Depot-Military Division will be coming shortly. But first I'll muddle through the delight of inventory (which means I'll be working six days this week with a few loooong days in there somewhere!).

By the way, this picture looks NOTHING like where I work. I don't even think "Office Depot" appears anywhere on the exterior of our shoddy gray building...but you'll learn more about that soon...

Spirit West Coast 2008

2008-05-27T17:58:00.000-07:00

This past weekend I had a wonderful opportunity to be blessed through blessing others. I volunteered at the Chiropractic and Massage Ministry booth. Whoohoo! What a weekend! I was able to meet new people and be a part of a healing process (well, the paperwork side of things!). What a neat ministry to be able to serve those who are both on stage and behind the scenes to produce an amazing weekend of praising God with passion. I was able to listen to several bands-even when I was "on duty" at the booth. So many talented people that encourage people to grow in their faith and show their love for God. I so admire these people that can live their passion for God in front of others, to share messages of hope, faith, love...God.

There was the typical light shows, fog machines, choreography, amazing music...everything one would want from a concert. But what is staying in my mind are some of the messages that were delivered this weekend. Phil Joel laid a few things out that really challenged me, he cut straight to the point of a few fierce issues. Why don't I live out my faith wholeheartedly for

God? Why do I seem so mediocre? What is it that holds me back? Hmmm...

I bear the name of God, do I live like it? Jeremiah 15:16 says "When your words cam, I ate them; they were my joy and my heart's delight, for I bear your name, O Lord God Almighty." Is God really my joy and heart's delight? I want to answer yes, truly I do. But is He? What is it that holds me back? What entices me to live otherwise? Two more verses that I heard this weekend that gave me much to think about. Maybe you'll have time to meditate on them as well...

"Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know." Jeremiah 33:3

"But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness and into His wonderful light." 1 Peter 2:9

Is that it?

2008-05-23T13:45:00.000-07:00

Yesterday afternoon at 2:06 pm I bolted from Myers Hall aka Talbot. All my finals are now complete, I have sixteen weeks of a Master's program under my belt, all projects are done...I'm breathing easier now than I have in weeks. I feel good.

As I walked to parking lot I had an overwhelming sense of joy and giddiness strike me; a relief at being done until fall. What was I so worried about just hours, days, weeks prior? I remembered that school is fun-I like studying. A much different mentality than I was experiencing just an hour before that last final. It must be similar to childbirth: when all the action is over and things are "complete" all the pain and worries are gone. Shoot-looking back over it all I have nothing but fond memories! There goes my selective memory again...

This morning I woke up and thought about walking the campus and felt a quick dart of sadness; I won't be walking those paths or be seeing those campus buildings again until Fall. *sigh* Am I "homesick" already? I'm already anticipating the beginning of Fall '08, greeting old friends and waving to the professors I know... Maybe summer break isn't what it's cracked up to be.

Okay. I just looked over at 992 pages of Dogmatic Theology by the venerable William T. Shedd and edited by Talbot's own Alan Gomes. I won't miss that reading, nor Hermeneutics texts. Instead, I'll be doing some reading for me this summer, and at my own pace and schedule! Hello Summer!

And so what we have learned today...

2008-05-18T18:29:00.000-07:00

...God has a lot to say In. His. Book... Okay, that happens to from Veggie Tales. For anyone who finds themselves asking "what?" I suggest a trip to their church library to check one out. Don't be fooled by the fun graphics and kiddie appeal; the Veggies definitely have taught me a few life lessons (complete with aforementioned theme song). And speaking of life lessons, here's what I picked up today:

Around 8:24 AM this morning I was exiting the freeway to visit my favorite (hands down, no contest, the best ever) Starbucks before church. Mmmm... Doesn't a nice grande, non-fat cappuccino with two raw sugars and an add-shot sound delightful right about now?! Back to the story.

As I was driving down the ramp I could see debris on the road, something rope-like: the typical trash that one halfway expects to see in 100 degree temperatures. As I got closer to it I noticed stripes. And

then, the moment of recognition: snake! That horrifying realization was of course quickly followed by a sickening kawhump kawhump.

Ew. Gives me chills just thinking about it. I have visions of my tires spinning that nasty, cold-blooded vermin up into my undercarriage where it ingeniously would wriggle its half-dead and yet highly angry self into my trunk, and from there... Well, let's just say I should substitute my flip-flops for those hot rubber hip-waders. I see a phobia developing.

I'm thanking Jesus for the glance back in my rear-view mirror, where I saw the snake curled up in the road, looking hideously snakey. Thank-You-Jesus because otherwise I'd still be having OCD fits about where that reptile might be lurking next, waiting to get me.

So when you find yourself running over a snake, remember to check your mirrors for a little reassurance its not going to appear on your passenger seat or wrapped around your gas-foot-ankle in the near future. Just for your peace of mind, of course...

"Cursed are you above all the livestock and all the wild animals! You will crawl on your belly and you will eat dust all the days of your life. And I will put enmity between you and the woman..." Genesis 3:14-15

2008-05-14T16:18:00.000-07:00

It seems to be a lazy Wednesday afternoon in beautiful Southern California. I say lazy, but maybe its really me who is lazy. Or procrastinating. Both probably apply. I do have to say in my defense that I actually completed another five page paper today-seems like I write a lot of those these days. Comes from being a student, I hear. I don't remember undergrad being that way, but then again, as an architecture major my days were spent drawing and gluing my fingers together.

What exactly am I putting off at the moment? Welllllll, I now need to complete a job application. There's just something I dread about job applications. They seem innocuous enough, but there's scariness lurking... Okay, it's not the application that is the problem, its what it represents: change. Will I like working at a new job? More importantly, will I like the people I'm with? How does this affect the future, my relationships, my time... Change. Shouldn't be scary, and it really isn't that: its the possibility of leaving my comfort zone. Maybe God has let me be comfortable for a goodly chunk of time now, protecting and nurturing me... Now perhaps its time to get back out there in the real world after this time off. I'm grateful for the blessings of this past school semester. Whatever God is bringing my way I'm sure it will be something to grow and mature me-God style. And so I'm off to persevere with what is coming up in my life, I think it starts with a certain job application today!

"Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:4